Instead of talking without a direction, I think I should set a few goals for myself regarding what I want to achieve from these counseling sessions. This is my list as of now:
1) fix my heart when it comes to my parents, especially my mom.
- I do not have patience when I feel my parents are trying to control me, and I often feel my relationship with my mom is one where I am trying to uphold my obligation as a daughter rather than to love her for the sake of loving her. It was her birthday this past week. I arranged for a gift to be delivered to her - but when she finally got it and I spoke to her on the phone I was very sad. I didn't feel love in my heart for her or share the happiness that she presumably felt once she received the gift. I want to love my mom the way I love people I hold dear to me.
2) dont let this experience consume my entire being.
- When I feel I fail at something, I feel as if I have somehow allowed him to 'win yet again'...every failure is a testament to his affect on my life. Alternatively, when I feel good about something, I also think of how it relates to the experience. The other day I felt I had a really productive time at school. It clicked near the end of the day that the song that I had on repeat in my earphones was Rihanna's Unfaithful. I've written about that song before...when I was listening to it on repeat the other day it gave me sense of power - as if I was cheating on him, but felt good about it because it was something I was able to metaphorically do - I could be his 'murderer'. While I enjoyed my progress on my work, all I wanted to say is 'in your face'
3)control my bursts of anger.
- I want them to go away. I don't like having them. I don't like the feeling of weakness that I get after I am done with them.
4) allow myself to have a normal relationship one day.
- I freaked out when the guy I was considering for marriage last year tried to touch me. I don't want to be haunted by flashbacks when I am intimate with my husband after I marry, God-willing.
5) stop questioning why I haven't heard from him or why he has just been able to move on.
- Who cares? Forget him. Don't allow him to make you feel so sad.
So...that's my list for now...I may add more as necessary.
What do you think of my list? Anything else I need to work on?
Monday, October 24, 2011
c.o.u.n.s.e.l.i.n.g.
Yes. I went.
Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.
I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'
After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.
Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.
Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.
The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.
Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.
I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'
After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.
Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.
Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.
The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.
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