Eureka

Wow. These counseling sessions are great. I explained the whole experience with me and Heavens to my counselor. As I described Heavens with the words I normally use to describe her - that she is a pillar, my mountain, a source of strength, etc. - she said, 'you know it seems that you have kind of taken Heavens on as a mother figure'.

How true.

I see it all now. It is so clear to me. And it explains so much.

And as for my other friend – the one I have blogged about many times...the one who knew of the relationship while I was in Phase 2 and still 'in love' – lets call her Hope for simplicity's sake - well, I realize it now as well. For her, when I first became close to her, I took her as a daughter figure. I took so much care of her. Cleaned up after her and even put money in her wallet without her knowing when she was having financial trouble. I know I can bend over backwards for her for pretty much anything.

I made Heavens my mom, and in her actions and in our relationship I want from her what I have always wanted from a mother. With Hope, I treated her, and displayed so much patience and care with her, just as I hope my mother would do for me.

Transference. That’s what they call it in counseling terms.

It makes perfect sense to me. I now understand why I am so attached with these two girls and why my mood is so pegged to Heavens and why I take care of Hope the way I do.

Each session I keep on telling my counselor that I came with the intention to talk about my relationship with my mom and this experience that I experienced, and I haven’t even gotten to it yet. But I am. Lo! I am.

I don’t know what to do with this realization – but it is like a huge eureka moment for me. I now understand perhaps why these relationships are what they are and they mean what they do to me. Now I perhaps can understand for myself the relationships that so many people have been surprised about and commented on because they cannot understand it for themselves. ‘Normal’ friend relationships are not quite what Heavens and Hope are to me.

May God preserve my relationships with them, and may this clarity only strengthen our bonds.

update | "move on"

my cousin went to visit the family - his family...she suspects he is seeing someone else (he is still married).

she told me to "move on" and that its not worth it to allow my memory of him to run my life. i have to stop being angry she says. he has moved on with his life so i should to.

im not surprised. its expected. dropped me and moved to someone else...i knew it. but i wish i could just erase his whole existence out of my life.

he has messed me up, is still messing me up, and messing my relationship with people up. i hate him so much.

the way i love

when i was 'with' him i convinced myself i loved him. and that meant that as a lover i would take all the pain he was causing me. i would experience his pain with him and find solutions for him, just as i would try to fix my own problems. i swallowed whatever it is he brought my way in the name of love. i tried to find innovative ways of how i could give off myself to make him feel better. i buried my pain because i thought when you love, you do so unconditionally and you take whatever it is that comes forth.

i created this standard of love.

the next person i grew close to was my friend which i have mentioned before - the one i told first about my experience. i was hurt a lot when i realized that she couldn't love me in the same way - to feel my pain in the same way i thought 'loving' meant one had to - the way i experienced his pain. i have learned so much from her because she bluntly gives me wake up calls and brings me back down to earth.

and then with Heavens, i have grown so attached. and because she has expressed that she loves me, i have placed the same expectations on her subconsciously. despite how much she has given me, i expected more and more. i want to change this about me. like she said, just because for me i can stretch myself and try to place myself in another person's shoes to experience their pain - and that i love to do that in the name of love - not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to do that.

ur such an ass. that's all i want to say to myself right now.

i hurt my friend

when i started to go to counseling i decided that i wouldn't tell anyone. my friend Heavens had convinced me that i needed to go after the last sandstorm i had, but when i made the calls and attended the initial assessment session, i didn't tell her about it. she had mentioned to me that in her own journey of healing, she would make sure that she kept certain things to herself, and that that gave her a sense of strength stronger than any other sense of strength - that to be able to do something on her own, by herself, meant she was healing through it.

silence has never been my way with her - i love to share with her many things. but this time i said no - i'll keep it to myself. many times since that conversation she mentioned that i should consider counseling and each time i would say okay but not tell her.

this week i was supposed to have my first karate competitive fight. i have been anticipating this for months and have been training hard. yesterday i found out that it was canceled. i was bummed out. and who did i go to, to vent - i went to Heavens. for three hours i typed none stop on my smart phone about many things - the fact that i was hurt she wasn't going to make it to the fight (she had planned to but then couldn't).....the fact that she never read my blog (although i had the expectation that she would and although i understand it was very hard for her to do so).....I told her i felt alone and that life has taught me that for somethings u have to experience things on your own no matter what.

i also told her i am seeking counseling.

she wrote to me today and said that when i told her that she cried a lot. it made her feel used because she has been trying so hard to make me feel better and here I was seeking counseling trying to make myself feel better while she didn’t know I was getting this external help. in her own words, I made her feel like she had been 'slapped' when i told her i felt alone because she has been trying so hard to be there for me (despite the many real struggles she has been facing in her own life), and yet I felt so alone. she feels she gives so much and now she feels I don’t get it....that I don't see it or feel it.

Heavens has been stretched thin and I have been stretching her further. and here I was getting this additional help and never told her. and its help she has encouraged me to seek because she felt she couldn't give me what i needed although she tried - and its help she herself has been wanting to seek but can't afford.

how needy am i and how bad of a friend am i to impose myself in this way on Heavens despite her being there for me so much?

if i could tell her something it would be that i just started counseling and the reason why i didn't tell her was because i was trying to experience some of this strength that she gains from silent actions. i would also tell her that despite the fact that i believe the few sessions have been beneficial, it doesn't replace her role in my life and my need for her. i would tell her i realize that i have imposed myself on her and i am sorry - that i love with a particular standard of love which i have made her feel that i expect and its not right of me. i would tell her that u have been a great source of strength to me and i hate myself right now for causing u pain and contributing to the physical sickness she has been experiencing because of everything that has happened to her and the many people that rely on her.

but i would also say that she cant be upset at me for not telling her. whether i told her or not i still need her in the same way. what may need to change is why i have grown to need her the way i do. its not fair for me to expect so much from her.

why do i expect it? and why do i expect it only from Heavens?