my cousin went to visit the family - his family...she suspects he is seeing someone else (he is still married).
she told me to "move on" and that its not worth it to allow my memory of him to run my life. i have to stop being angry she says. he has moved on with his life so i should to.
im not surprised. its expected. dropped me and moved to someone else...i knew it. but i wish i could just erase his whole existence out of my life.
he has messed me up, is still messing me up, and messing my relationship with people up. i hate him so much.
Friday, November 25, 2011
the way i love
when i was 'with' him i convinced myself i loved him. and that meant that as a lover i would take all the pain he was causing me. i would experience his pain with him and find solutions for him, just as i would try to fix my own problems. i swallowed whatever it is he brought my way in the name of love. i tried to find innovative ways of how i could give off myself to make him feel better. i buried my pain because i thought when you love, you do so unconditionally and you take whatever it is that comes forth.
i created this standard of love.
the next person i grew close to was my friend which i have mentioned before - the one i told first about my experience. i was hurt a lot when i realized that she couldn't love me in the same way - to feel my pain in the same way i thought 'loving' meant one had to - the way i experienced his pain. i have learned so much from her because she bluntly gives me wake up calls and brings me back down to earth.
and then with Heavens, i have grown so attached. and because she has expressed that she loves me, i have placed the same expectations on her subconsciously. despite how much she has given me, i expected more and more. i want to change this about me. like she said, just because for me i can stretch myself and try to place myself in another person's shoes to experience their pain - and that i love to do that in the name of love - not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to do that.
ur such an ass. that's all i want to say to myself right now.
i created this standard of love.
the next person i grew close to was my friend which i have mentioned before - the one i told first about my experience. i was hurt a lot when i realized that she couldn't love me in the same way - to feel my pain in the same way i thought 'loving' meant one had to - the way i experienced his pain. i have learned so much from her because she bluntly gives me wake up calls and brings me back down to earth.
and then with Heavens, i have grown so attached. and because she has expressed that she loves me, i have placed the same expectations on her subconsciously. despite how much she has given me, i expected more and more. i want to change this about me. like she said, just because for me i can stretch myself and try to place myself in another person's shoes to experience their pain - and that i love to do that in the name of love - not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to do that.
ur such an ass. that's all i want to say to myself right now.
i hurt my friend
when i started to go to counseling i decided that i wouldn't tell anyone. my friend Heavens had convinced me that i needed to go after the last sandstorm i had, but when i made the calls and attended the initial assessment session, i didn't tell her about it. she had mentioned to me that in her own journey of healing, she would make sure that she kept certain things to herself, and that that gave her a sense of strength stronger than any other sense of strength - that to be able to do something on her own, by herself, meant she was healing through it.
silence has never been my way with her - i love to share with her many things. but this time i said no - i'll keep it to myself. many times since that conversation she mentioned that i should consider counseling and each time i would say okay but not tell her.
this week i was supposed to have my first karate competitive fight. i have been anticipating this for months and have been training hard. yesterday i found out that it was canceled. i was bummed out. and who did i go to, to vent - i went to Heavens. for three hours i typed none stop on my smart phone about many things - the fact that i was hurt she wasn't going to make it to the fight (she had planned to but then couldn't).....the fact that she never read my blog (although i had the expectation that she would and although i understand it was very hard for her to do so).....I told her i felt alone and that life has taught me that for somethings u have to experience things on your own no matter what.
i also told her i am seeking counseling.
she wrote to me today and said that when i told her that she cried a lot. it made her feel used because she has been trying so hard to make me feel better and here I was seeking counseling trying to make myself feel better while she didn’t know I was getting this external help. in her own words, I made her feel like she had been 'slapped' when i told her i felt alone because she has been trying so hard to be there for me (despite the many real struggles she has been facing in her own life), and yet I felt so alone. she feels she gives so much and now she feels I don’t get it....that I don't see it or feel it.
Heavens has been stretched thin and I have been stretching her further. and here I was getting this additional help and never told her. and its help she has encouraged me to seek because she felt she couldn't give me what i needed although she tried - and its help she herself has been wanting to seek but can't afford.
how needy am i and how bad of a friend am i to impose myself in this way on Heavens despite her being there for me so much?
if i could tell her something it would be that i just started counseling and the reason why i didn't tell her was because i was trying to experience some of this strength that she gains from silent actions. i would also tell her that despite the fact that i believe the few sessions have been beneficial, it doesn't replace her role in my life and my need for her. i would tell her i realize that i have imposed myself on her and i am sorry - that i love with a particular standard of love which i have made her feel that i expect and its not right of me. i would tell her that u have been a great source of strength to me and i hate myself right now for causing u pain and contributing to the physical sickness she has been experiencing because of everything that has happened to her and the many people that rely on her.
but i would also say that she cant be upset at me for not telling her. whether i told her or not i still need her in the same way. what may need to change is why i have grown to need her the way i do. its not fair for me to expect so much from her.
why do i expect it? and why do i expect it only from Heavens?
silence has never been my way with her - i love to share with her many things. but this time i said no - i'll keep it to myself. many times since that conversation she mentioned that i should consider counseling and each time i would say okay but not tell her.
this week i was supposed to have my first karate competitive fight. i have been anticipating this for months and have been training hard. yesterday i found out that it was canceled. i was bummed out. and who did i go to, to vent - i went to Heavens. for three hours i typed none stop on my smart phone about many things - the fact that i was hurt she wasn't going to make it to the fight (she had planned to but then couldn't).....the fact that she never read my blog (although i had the expectation that she would and although i understand it was very hard for her to do so).....I told her i felt alone and that life has taught me that for somethings u have to experience things on your own no matter what.
i also told her i am seeking counseling.
she wrote to me today and said that when i told her that she cried a lot. it made her feel used because she has been trying so hard to make me feel better and here I was seeking counseling trying to make myself feel better while she didn’t know I was getting this external help. in her own words, I made her feel like she had been 'slapped' when i told her i felt alone because she has been trying so hard to be there for me (despite the many real struggles she has been facing in her own life), and yet I felt so alone. she feels she gives so much and now she feels I don’t get it....that I don't see it or feel it.
Heavens has been stretched thin and I have been stretching her further. and here I was getting this additional help and never told her. and its help she has encouraged me to seek because she felt she couldn't give me what i needed although she tried - and its help she herself has been wanting to seek but can't afford.
how needy am i and how bad of a friend am i to impose myself in this way on Heavens despite her being there for me so much?
if i could tell her something it would be that i just started counseling and the reason why i didn't tell her was because i was trying to experience some of this strength that she gains from silent actions. i would also tell her that despite the fact that i believe the few sessions have been beneficial, it doesn't replace her role in my life and my need for her. i would tell her i realize that i have imposed myself on her and i am sorry - that i love with a particular standard of love which i have made her feel that i expect and its not right of me. i would tell her that u have been a great source of strength to me and i hate myself right now for causing u pain and contributing to the physical sickness she has been experiencing because of everything that has happened to her and the many people that rely on her.
but i would also say that she cant be upset at me for not telling her. whether i told her or not i still need her in the same way. what may need to change is why i have grown to need her the way i do. its not fair for me to expect so much from her.
why do i expect it? and why do i expect it only from Heavens?
Monday, October 24, 2011
things i need to work on.
Instead of talking without a direction, I think I should set a few goals for myself regarding what I want to achieve from these counseling sessions. This is my list as of now:
1) fix my heart when it comes to my parents, especially my mom.
- I do not have patience when I feel my parents are trying to control me, and I often feel my relationship with my mom is one where I am trying to uphold my obligation as a daughter rather than to love her for the sake of loving her. It was her birthday this past week. I arranged for a gift to be delivered to her - but when she finally got it and I spoke to her on the phone I was very sad. I didn't feel love in my heart for her or share the happiness that she presumably felt once she received the gift. I want to love my mom the way I love people I hold dear to me.
2) dont let this experience consume my entire being.
- When I feel I fail at something, I feel as if I have somehow allowed him to 'win yet again'...every failure is a testament to his affect on my life. Alternatively, when I feel good about something, I also think of how it relates to the experience. The other day I felt I had a really productive time at school. It clicked near the end of the day that the song that I had on repeat in my earphones was Rihanna's Unfaithful. I've written about that song before...when I was listening to it on repeat the other day it gave me sense of power - as if I was cheating on him, but felt good about it because it was something I was able to metaphorically do - I could be his 'murderer'. While I enjoyed my progress on my work, all I wanted to say is 'in your face'
3)control my bursts of anger.
- I want them to go away. I don't like having them. I don't like the feeling of weakness that I get after I am done with them.
4) allow myself to have a normal relationship one day.
- I freaked out when the guy I was considering for marriage last year tried to touch me. I don't want to be haunted by flashbacks when I am intimate with my husband after I marry, God-willing.
5) stop questioning why I haven't heard from him or why he has just been able to move on.
- Who cares? Forget him. Don't allow him to make you feel so sad.
So...that's my list for now...I may add more as necessary.
What do you think of my list? Anything else I need to work on?
1) fix my heart when it comes to my parents, especially my mom.
- I do not have patience when I feel my parents are trying to control me, and I often feel my relationship with my mom is one where I am trying to uphold my obligation as a daughter rather than to love her for the sake of loving her. It was her birthday this past week. I arranged for a gift to be delivered to her - but when she finally got it and I spoke to her on the phone I was very sad. I didn't feel love in my heart for her or share the happiness that she presumably felt once she received the gift. I want to love my mom the way I love people I hold dear to me.
2) dont let this experience consume my entire being.
- When I feel I fail at something, I feel as if I have somehow allowed him to 'win yet again'...every failure is a testament to his affect on my life. Alternatively, when I feel good about something, I also think of how it relates to the experience. The other day I felt I had a really productive time at school. It clicked near the end of the day that the song that I had on repeat in my earphones was Rihanna's Unfaithful. I've written about that song before...when I was listening to it on repeat the other day it gave me sense of power - as if I was cheating on him, but felt good about it because it was something I was able to metaphorically do - I could be his 'murderer'. While I enjoyed my progress on my work, all I wanted to say is 'in your face'
3)control my bursts of anger.
- I want them to go away. I don't like having them. I don't like the feeling of weakness that I get after I am done with them.
4) allow myself to have a normal relationship one day.
- I freaked out when the guy I was considering for marriage last year tried to touch me. I don't want to be haunted by flashbacks when I am intimate with my husband after I marry, God-willing.
5) stop questioning why I haven't heard from him or why he has just been able to move on.
- Who cares? Forget him. Don't allow him to make you feel so sad.
So...that's my list for now...I may add more as necessary.
What do you think of my list? Anything else I need to work on?
c.o.u.n.s.e.l.i.n.g.
Yes. I went.
Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.
I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'
After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.
Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.
Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.
The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.
Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.
I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'
After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.
Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.
Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.
The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
expectations.
At around 6 yrs old I was riding my bike in my neighbourhood and I saw a car driving towards me (we didn't have sidewalks). I got nervous and feel off my bike. The person probably came out to help me…I don’t remember – but the next thing I remember is being in my bedroom lying in my bed. Soon after some of the neighbours had come to see me – I suppose to see if I was okay…the news must have spread.
I was surprised that they had come. While I felt perfectly fine (the car didn’t hit me I had just fallen), I thought "Oh my goodness maybe I have to legitimize their visit here by being a bit ‘sick’ so they feel their trip wasn’t wasted"...their trip to come see me that is.
All I remember is having that thought process in my head. I don’t remember whether I actually acted sick or was just me (although I probably did the former).
It is probably the first experience I remember of having defined myself by the expectations I felt people had of me.
I was surprised that they had come. While I felt perfectly fine (the car didn’t hit me I had just fallen), I thought "Oh my goodness maybe I have to legitimize their visit here by being a bit ‘sick’ so they feel their trip wasn’t wasted"...their trip to come see me that is.
All I remember is having that thought process in my head. I don’t remember whether I actually acted sick or was just me (although I probably did the former).
It is probably the first experience I remember of having defined myself by the expectations I felt people had of me.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Hyperventilated
Throughout this whole entire experience...when was it that I felt the most without control...the most in need...the most weak?
It was sometime in 2008 - almost a decade into the whole experience. After years and years of this, I reached a point where in my eyes there was no man better than him. I was madly in 'love'...truly, madly, deeply. By 2008 though, I had made the decision to leave - to move countries to get away and learn how to stand on my own two feet. I wasn't strong enough to carry through and I broke down many times. 'Here is a man you love, why are you moving away from him?' I'd question myself. And even as I knew the whole thing wasn't right, there were times that I wanted it more than anything. Other times I wanted to leave more than anything. On this particular day, I was weak because I felt I lost my grip on him. I felt he stopped loving me. I felt he stopped missing me...stopped needing me. It killed me.
I was at work and he had traveled to someplace in East Africa to visit family. We were together like before at that time, just long distance...settling with long phone conversations and web-caming for hours on msn. When he traveled...he seemed like he forgot me. I would send message after message and he would not reply...I would wait for him online and he would not show up...I would check my inbox for any word from him and get nothing. Then I called him...I was missing him all too much...I was going crazy and could not contain my feelings. And, I was scared. I was worried that something was wrong with him. I was worried he might have been in trouble...maybe fallen sick...something wrong.
I went to a senior at work and made a desperate plea to allow me to use the international line because I had to make an extremely important phone call. She saw the desperation in my eyes and offered me her cell phone...she couldn't break the rule by letting me call from the work line. I tried...it didn't work. I tried again...it didn't work. There was a meeting I had to attend in 10 minutes and I knew I wouldn't be able to sit there for 2 hours if I didn't hear his damn voice.
Finally...I dialed...and he answered. "Jaan, where have you been...I've been trying to contact you. Are you okay where are you?"...these are the words I thought I would say when I finally heard his voice. I was expecting to hear a somber voice...maybe too quiet to hear because he was not well. I got the opposite.
As soon as he said his first hello, I knew he was okay. Everything was fine on his end...in fact he was having a blast. His voice was lively and he was having a great time...everything was okay. A roller coaster of emotions in a split second took me over. The first were tears of relief that he was okay...I felt my heart finally stop clenching. Then sadness and hurt...he was fine and I was suffering and he didn't even seem to care. My hear felt slapped and bruised. And also shock. How can a man change so much?...how can he just forget that we've been in touch everyday for so long and now all of a sudden he forgets. He called me his wife. What was happening now?
"Why haven't you contacted me I was so worried!" I said in tears. His reply made me hyperventilate..."I can't talk right now...I'll call you back. Everything is fine. Don't worry okay".
What had changed? Why was he acting like he didn't care for me anymore? Where did this change come from. I was shaking and crying and I couldn't breathe properly. I felt utterly weak. I called my friend who was out of the office at a client. I was sobbing uncontrollably. "What's wrong - what's wrong?" she asked. "He doesn't care, he doesn't care..." I cried. Her silence while I wept gave me strength. She was listening and she knew my pain. That's all I needed.
Her advise was that I go for a walk and skip the meeting. I wouldn't allow that. He can't be having a good time vacationing with his family while I was in a state of disarray. I locked myself in the washroom...wiped off my smudged mascara and prepared myself to sit through the meeting. "I got some sand in my eyes..." - that was my excuse for the redness.
While I sit here recounting this story, I am remembering the many different times that I should have seen that I wasn't much of anything to him but someone to satisfy his needs. He made me feel so important, but there were so many incidents. The time he raised his voice at me when I told him I didn't want to play that hide and seek game in the dark - we were all kids and he would make me and him partner up so he could touch me while his children tried to find us. The times he told me he needs me and how because he loves me he can't sleep with his wife...yet by chance one day his phone had called mine and on my voice-mail was a few minutes of me hearing him moan and groan as he made love to his wife. I told him about it...made him listen to it in fact (which he did for a few seconds). He was saddened and said he had to make love to her for her... I didn't mind. She was his wife..but he lied to me. Up till today I wonder if that phone call was a mistake or whether he intended me to hear the sounds of him making love. The times he would force me to be intimate with him when I was tired...or when my body was sensitive and it was more painful for me than anything...no pleasure. All he wanted was his fix. And I never saw it as that - I seriously thought he needed me. And that fix came easy from me I guess...there was one time where me made me feel so possessive over him as he told me about this young, beautiful woman who had crushed on him. For months he would tell me about how she would show up at his work or gym...and there was a time where I even exchanged emails with her telling her to leave my man alone. "I went out with her for coffee to see if I could do it..."..he said..."and I couldn't..that is how I know how much I love you" he said to me. Lies, all lies.
Yet...there I was. Hyperventilating because here was a man I loved and he was showing me no care.
Why do we allow ourselves to be abused to this extent in the name of love? The man violated my body. We never penetrated, but he tried to make use of every chance he had to ejaculate. Three, four, even five times a day if he had the chance. And sometimes I didn't have to do anything. He would do what he needed to as I lay down like a fish thinking of my next biology assignment. Sometimes I would be so fed up I'd be so aggressive and do things 'animalistically'. That wasn't enjoyment (contrary to what he believed)...it was desperation. I feel like I need to shower just remembering how much happened. Disgusting.
I'm sorry. I'm being graphic today. A very dear friend of mine is facing a situation, and I feel her pain. Men and love can be a dangerous mix...and its sad when its those with the most beautiful hearts that have to face the brunt of the abuse.
It was sometime in 2008 - almost a decade into the whole experience. After years and years of this, I reached a point where in my eyes there was no man better than him. I was madly in 'love'...truly, madly, deeply. By 2008 though, I had made the decision to leave - to move countries to get away and learn how to stand on my own two feet. I wasn't strong enough to carry through and I broke down many times. 'Here is a man you love, why are you moving away from him?' I'd question myself. And even as I knew the whole thing wasn't right, there were times that I wanted it more than anything. Other times I wanted to leave more than anything. On this particular day, I was weak because I felt I lost my grip on him. I felt he stopped loving me. I felt he stopped missing me...stopped needing me. It killed me.
I was at work and he had traveled to someplace in East Africa to visit family. We were together like before at that time, just long distance...settling with long phone conversations and web-caming for hours on msn. When he traveled...he seemed like he forgot me. I would send message after message and he would not reply...I would wait for him online and he would not show up...I would check my inbox for any word from him and get nothing. Then I called him...I was missing him all too much...I was going crazy and could not contain my feelings. And, I was scared. I was worried that something was wrong with him. I was worried he might have been in trouble...maybe fallen sick...something wrong.
I went to a senior at work and made a desperate plea to allow me to use the international line because I had to make an extremely important phone call. She saw the desperation in my eyes and offered me her cell phone...she couldn't break the rule by letting me call from the work line. I tried...it didn't work. I tried again...it didn't work. There was a meeting I had to attend in 10 minutes and I knew I wouldn't be able to sit there for 2 hours if I didn't hear his damn voice.
Finally...I dialed...and he answered. "Jaan, where have you been...I've been trying to contact you. Are you okay where are you?"...these are the words I thought I would say when I finally heard his voice. I was expecting to hear a somber voice...maybe too quiet to hear because he was not well. I got the opposite.
As soon as he said his first hello, I knew he was okay. Everything was fine on his end...in fact he was having a blast. His voice was lively and he was having a great time...everything was okay. A roller coaster of emotions in a split second took me over. The first were tears of relief that he was okay...I felt my heart finally stop clenching. Then sadness and hurt...he was fine and I was suffering and he didn't even seem to care. My hear felt slapped and bruised. And also shock. How can a man change so much?...how can he just forget that we've been in touch everyday for so long and now all of a sudden he forgets. He called me his wife. What was happening now?
"Why haven't you contacted me I was so worried!" I said in tears. His reply made me hyperventilate..."I can't talk right now...I'll call you back. Everything is fine. Don't worry okay".
What had changed? Why was he acting like he didn't care for me anymore? Where did this change come from. I was shaking and crying and I couldn't breathe properly. I felt utterly weak. I called my friend who was out of the office at a client. I was sobbing uncontrollably. "What's wrong - what's wrong?" she asked. "He doesn't care, he doesn't care..." I cried. Her silence while I wept gave me strength. She was listening and she knew my pain. That's all I needed.
Her advise was that I go for a walk and skip the meeting. I wouldn't allow that. He can't be having a good time vacationing with his family while I was in a state of disarray. I locked myself in the washroom...wiped off my smudged mascara and prepared myself to sit through the meeting. "I got some sand in my eyes..." - that was my excuse for the redness.
While I sit here recounting this story, I am remembering the many different times that I should have seen that I wasn't much of anything to him but someone to satisfy his needs. He made me feel so important, but there were so many incidents. The time he raised his voice at me when I told him I didn't want to play that hide and seek game in the dark - we were all kids and he would make me and him partner up so he could touch me while his children tried to find us. The times he told me he needs me and how because he loves me he can't sleep with his wife...yet by chance one day his phone had called mine and on my voice-mail was a few minutes of me hearing him moan and groan as he made love to his wife. I told him about it...made him listen to it in fact (which he did for a few seconds). He was saddened and said he had to make love to her for her... I didn't mind. She was his wife..but he lied to me. Up till today I wonder if that phone call was a mistake or whether he intended me to hear the sounds of him making love. The times he would force me to be intimate with him when I was tired...or when my body was sensitive and it was more painful for me than anything...no pleasure. All he wanted was his fix. And I never saw it as that - I seriously thought he needed me. And that fix came easy from me I guess...there was one time where me made me feel so possessive over him as he told me about this young, beautiful woman who had crushed on him. For months he would tell me about how she would show up at his work or gym...and there was a time where I even exchanged emails with her telling her to leave my man alone. "I went out with her for coffee to see if I could do it..."..he said..."and I couldn't..that is how I know how much I love you" he said to me. Lies, all lies.
Yet...there I was. Hyperventilating because here was a man I loved and he was showing me no care.
Why do we allow ourselves to be abused to this extent in the name of love? The man violated my body. We never penetrated, but he tried to make use of every chance he had to ejaculate. Three, four, even five times a day if he had the chance. And sometimes I didn't have to do anything. He would do what he needed to as I lay down like a fish thinking of my next biology assignment. Sometimes I would be so fed up I'd be so aggressive and do things 'animalistically'. That wasn't enjoyment (contrary to what he believed)...it was desperation. I feel like I need to shower just remembering how much happened. Disgusting.
I'm sorry. I'm being graphic today. A very dear friend of mine is facing a situation, and I feel her pain. Men and love can be a dangerous mix...and its sad when its those with the most beautiful hearts that have to face the brunt of the abuse.
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