I have been told that I should speak to my family
about my experience. I couldn’t
see the point or the benefit in doing that. ‘Why should I?’ I asked, and she
replied “so that you can know that they are there for you….so that you can
finally feel that they are on your side and you are not alone. This is their chance for them to be there
for you”. And so that’s what I
did. I dropped the bomb.
I spent this summer with my family.
It was two days before Eid, and it was probably past
midnight. My mom came to my room
to fold some laundry and I asked something vague…maybe it was “mom, do you
think I have any stress?” or “do you ever wonder why I have so much white
hair”….something random like that. She got agitated and I just went out with
it. Like a vase full with water being tipped. I started by telling her, “mom, this past year I was seeing
a counselor for about 6 months”. I
then told her everything. How young I was when it started. Who it was. How I
felt. How my nightmares when I would sleep would be of my mom entering the
house when he and I were in the ‘act’ but instead of her noticing he would hide
and she would never notice. “Why
didn’t you ever notice?” I cried to my mom? “I just wanted someone to know and help me in that mess…I
had no one to turn to and he kept on using religion to legitimize everything”. I told her about the time he raised his
voice at me. I told her about what he would say about his relationship with his
wife to me. What he would say about my mother. I told her as much as I could
remember at that moment and cried a lot. It was emotionally exhausting. My mom tried to look at me and be
strong …she didn’t cry much. What she did do was kept on repeating ‘Allah will
hold him accountable’. Allah will
hold him accountable.
I also told her that by age 18 when I went to university, I
had endured almost 5 years of trying to struggle with him, and that I convinced
myself that this was a God-given relationship and that I convinced myself that
I loved him. I told her that I would talk to Hope about him, but not with
animosity but with stories of our love because that is all I remembered at that
time. I told her about the
selective amnesia and how I forgot the stress of when it began and the early
years that followed.
I then told her that it was August 2010 that I started my
blog and started remembering how it all started. I told her how with my blog I
was able to write things that I forgot even happened…the times of heightened
manipulation. I told her how karate was also very important for me in my
journey and how I am defensive over it, especially when the people I love don’t
support me in it, bc of what it has come to mean to me. I told her about counseling and who I
have spoken to this about. I told her that when I started my blog I really wanted
certain people to read it but that they weren’t able to, and how alone I felt
during that time. At that moment
when I wanted empathy, I wasn’t able to get it the way I had expected.
She hugged me and said it is not my fault. She felt very bad
that she didn’t notice. She began
to ask me questions … “when this happened, were you two in the ‘relationship’?”
…”Yes” I would say. “what about that time?’…Yes. There were many signs and many instances where she would
have been able to know – but she didn’t expect that that was what was
happening. I told her “mom, how could you have not asked me about the jewelry,
the electronics. Where is a 14 year old going to get money for that?”
My mom didn’t know how to take it and I know it was
confusing for her. The next day she
told me “now I know and you don’t have to speak to anyone about it”. My mom told
me that she mentioned this in passing to my father and that he said ‘Okay’ and
went about with his day. “Your father is in his own world” she said.
I was extremely hurt by that. “Yesterday is not the same as today,” I thought to myself. “I
have just let out a secret which I have been harbouring for the past 15
years. I don’t expect things to
just be normal so fast. I need to see some reaction from my family”. My
father’s nonchalance killed me.
Then a few days later mom came to me to talk about the
experience again. She wanted to
let him know that she knows. And right there in front of me she called his cell
and he answered. She said “the next
time I hear you say that ____ (she was referring to my brother) is your
favorite nephew, I will break your
mouth. If he was your favorite, you would not have done what you did”. And she hung up.
As she said those words I felt as if cold ice had just
flushed over my heart. It was very very emotional for me and it was something I
realize I needed and wanted to hear.
She left the room. He texted me immediately asking “Why is your mother
so mad at me?” I was faced with a situation. My first inclination was to keep
it a secret and respond on my own.
But I called my mom and shared it with her. “No more secrets,” I thought to myself.
My reply was: Because she knows everything you started when
I was 14. It was wrong and shoulnd’t have ever happened. Don’t message me.
He replied saying from this day forth he will not message
and he asked for forgiveness and said I hope if I have done any good you and
your mom will use that to forgive me. He said that he had no intention to hurt
anyone. He also told me he was in
the hospital for a mild heart attack and feels it’s a punishment (I later found
out the heart-attack story was not true).
That was that. In the same sitting I cried as I told my mom
how I was so hurt by my dad’s reaction. I told her that dad has only been there
for me as a financial resource and financial advisor…that he hasn’t been there
for me emotionally to any significant degree in my life.
My mom told my dad that I said this. I was napping in their
bedroom. He walked in and closed the door…and started a rant. ‘Your mom told me what you said’ he
explained, ‘but do you know how much I want my children to speak to me…how bad
I feel when I see the relationship that other parents have with their children?’. He went on and on explaining how bad he
feels that his children, especially my brother, rarely talk to him. And then, I
suddenly blew up. I yelled at the top of my lungs. “This is not about you dad, it is my turn now. No one has
known about this – I just told mom a few days ago. It’s not about you. It’s my turn”. I was hysterical and crying a lot.
All he could do was grab me and as he held on to me I explained that the man
abused me as a young girl.
Innocently he asked me if he had touched me. He cried as I told him of
course he did…”he did everything before intercourse”.
That was another emotional emotional episode, but that was
the first time I felt close to my dad. And, he let me cry and told me to continue
crying. He said “even if you don’t want to talk about it, your reaction alone tells
me that it was very serious”.
I hugged him back.
My dad ended up messaging him and telling him that he is
aware of the text message that he sent to me (the one about the heart attack),
and that he should not contact me ever.
The man ended up writing two messages to my dad asking for forgiveness
and saying how he has been regretting things for the past few years. He wrote that he knows if we do not
forgive him, God will not.
Then. It was my brother’s turn. After we dropped my parent’s to the airport at night he said
“dad spoke to me…it seems it was very serious”. All I did was cry. For 45 minutes he held my hand while
driving with the other, and that was it. I couldn’t say much at all. I did ask
him if he ever suspected. And he said he would have never thought this was
happening and that he is there for me.
I wanted to put my hand over his – but I couldn’t bring myself to do
that.
During Eid, the whole family went to an Islamic festival – extended
family included. Near the end of
the event, the man came with his wife and son. When he came, my parents moved
to another area, and my brother didn’t go and greet him.
Although it was important to get all this out, I did feel very exposed and vulnerable and hit a few lows over the course of the past few weeks. Now he knows my mother and father know…and now my whole
family knows. My sister-in-law also knows - she used my computer and found me logged onto this blog. Alhamdlillah, Praise be to God, I’m glad it’s out.
My sister-in-law thinks that I should continue counselling now that I have spoken to my family. I'm not sure if I should.
