I don’t know where to start.
I suppose a natural start will be how I started the counseling session. I told Ashley (my counselor) that there are three things that I’ve been thinking about. The first is that when I do think about him it’s because I’m reminding myself that I am not thinking of him. The second is that part of me feels sad that I no longer think about it…that I am moving away from the experience. I told her that it makes me sad because it is as if I am losing part of myself – something that was part of me for almost 11 years of my life. And last, I told her that I’m tired of being angry. I don’t want to be mean anymore. I don’t want to be angry.
The discussion that followed was enlightening and motivating.
To my first concern she said that this is a normal part of healing. She said there is a psychologist that conducted a study which asked participants to imagine there is a button that they can press…and if they press it all of their anxiety will disappear. She said most people say they do not want to press it. Moving past a journey is never easy and no one can quite explain why people experience this – it is different for different people….but what is known is that the majority of people experience this feeling.
It felt good to know this – felt good to know that many people hesitate about actually being able to ‘move on’.
I told her for me it’s as if I do not want to admit that I am moving away because then I feel it is as if I am losing part of me. That the experience is something that defined me – especially the changes that I have made this past year (and I see them as positive changes Alhamdulillah), and I don’t want to see myself let all of that go. I told her it was wanting to move away from this experience which has gotten me so passionate about karate, has changed my outlook on life, has made me feel more confident about myself because of the realizations I have made about what I experience and how Allah SWT has made me move past them…I told her I don’t want to lose this. As I reflect back, the experience was my launching pad for so much good Subhanallah.
I also told her it is scary because it was him that filled my mind with a particular image about me. I said that it is him that would tell me when I was 14, 16, 20, 23…all impressionable years and impressionable words…. that I was ‘different’. That I would grow to be a leader one day. That I would be an advocate for woman’s rights. That I would be something "special".
While I am far far from this picture perfect image of a person he created…I told her through this journey, especially this past year and a half, I can see that some of what he would say to me has actually come to be…in some ways I have filled parts of that positive image he engrained in me. I admitted that I am afraid that it will go away. He is the one who built the ‘dream’ way before seeds of its actualization were ever apparent to me...does letting him go mean it will slowly die?
‘He said those things…but you did it. You did all on your own. It as all you.’ These were her words.
She said that just because he said those things it doesn’t mean it is the reason I am who I am now.
And it is true. It is Allah’s will - Allah’s facilitation - that has brought me to where I am. Alhamdulillah.
I told her I’m afraid that maybe the reason why I don’t think about is because I don’t have much time to think. I told her how I’ve kept quite busy – so much so that I don’t have many moments just to think.
Her response – ‘stop over analyzing’. She admitted that some people do that – they fill their lives with things because they do not want to think anymore, but she said that she doesn’t feel it is the case for me. It is true. I am enjoying the ‘busy-ness’. She told me the energy that I had when I conducted the karate class (I've started classes at the club for women) last Sunday was all positive.
She is right. Sometimes we just need to tell ourselves to stop over analyzing.
About not wanting to be angry I told her that when I speak to people about the experience people often get so angry on my behalf – some even swear. While I understand why, I told her I don’t want to be angry anymore. I just want to – and I shrugged my shoulders – I guess I want to just let it fall – like it no longer bothers me. I remember once I wrote a tweet about uncurling my shoulders. That’s what I want…for it just to fall off my shoulders. I don’t to be consumed by it anymore.
I explained that while this is what I want, my brain doesn’t understand why I want that. Why don’t I want to be mad anymore – isn’t that weird? Sometimes I feel I should be angry…that I MUST be angry. Does me not wanting to be angry actually mean that I’m okay with the wrong that happened? This is perhaps a worry that I have.
Ashley snapped me out of it in the way I liked to be snapped out of things. She said if you move away from it, it doesn’t mean that you are okay with the negative. She said it is just your way of healing. As if I was a young child unsure, I asked her if she was sure….if she was sure it is okay for me to not want to be angry anymore.
And again she made me realize. ‘Why not? Who said you have to be angry?’
Ashley said if it is my way that I don’t want to be angry, then let it be. It is my way of healing - there is no manual on how one MUST heal. ‘Let it be’ she said. And it is true. It is okay if I do not want to be angry anymore. I told her it is tiring to be angry. Exhausting to be mad. Painful to carry negative emotions all the time…I just want to…and as I type this too – I shrug my shoulders. It is something that happened, something that has shaped who I am…like other experiences have shaped me…but I don’t want to constantly revisit it.
I explained how when I prepared the speech that I thought I would give at the karate event, especially a section I wrote where I explained I wish I started karate when I was in high school because of the internal strength I feel it gives – the section where I explained that it was during those years that I felt most dependent and most helpless – I explained to Ashley that as I wrote that section I never once replayed the incidents I went through. I knew what I was referring to but I didn’t really think about anything in particular when I wrote those words. As if my body knows it is part of me but that I don’t need to relive it to realize it. This is good I feel.
It was a special day. After almost 6 months of seeing Ashley, she asked me ‘Where does this leave us?’ In the bottom of stomach I hoped she wouldn’t want to schedule another appointment. And this is what happened. She told me that her fear is that my counseling sessions are becoming the trigger of why I think about him. And come to think about it – this last time it was the case. I was fine until I realized I was seeing Ashley and that’s when all the thoughts came rushing in.
I told her I am scared though. I told her I feel like I am on a bicycle and have taken the training wheels out. She gave me another analogy. She said through this you have been taught to swim and now you are on your own…but she is not worried. Why? Because she said I know how to swim. She said since I have been coming, she has served only as a sounding board because I come each time with so many of my own reflections and thoughts. Almost as if the healing happens before I enter her room. She told me to just trust myself. She told me to stop relying on other people to have to validate what feels right to me.
And it’s not like I can’t go back – I can go back if I need to. I hope I don't need too.
Thank you for being my invisible readers through my journey.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Eureka
Wow. These counseling sessions are great. I explained the whole experience with me and Heavens to my counselor. As I described Heavens with the words I normally use to describe her - that she is a pillar, my mountain, a source of strength, etc. - she said, 'you know it seems that you have kind of taken Heavens on as a mother figure'.
How true.
I see it all now. It is so clear to me. And it explains so much.
And as for my other friend – the one I have blogged about many times...the one who knew of the relationship while I was in Phase 2 and still 'in love' – lets call her Hope for simplicity's sake - well, I realize it now as well. For her, when I first became close to her, I took her as a daughter figure. I took so much care of her. Cleaned up after her and even put money in her wallet without her knowing when she was having financial trouble. I know I can bend over backwards for her for pretty much anything.
I made Heavens my mom, and in her actions and in our relationship I want from her what I have always wanted from a mother. With Hope, I treated her, and displayed so much patience and care with her, just as I hope my mother would do for me.
Transference. That’s what they call it in counseling terms.
It makes perfect sense to me. I now understand why I am so attached with these two girls and why my mood is so pegged to Heavens and why I take care of Hope the way I do.
Each session I keep on telling my counselor that I came with the intention to talk about my relationship with my mom and this experience that I experienced, and I haven’t even gotten to it yet. But I am. Lo! I am.
I don’t know what to do with this realization – but it is like a huge eureka moment for me. I now understand perhaps why these relationships are what they are and they mean what they do to me. Now I perhaps can understand for myself the relationships that so many people have been surprised about and commented on because they cannot understand it for themselves. ‘Normal’ friend relationships are not quite what Heavens and Hope are to me.
May God preserve my relationships with them, and may this clarity only strengthen our bonds.
How true.
I see it all now. It is so clear to me. And it explains so much.
And as for my other friend – the one I have blogged about many times...the one who knew of the relationship while I was in Phase 2 and still 'in love' – lets call her Hope for simplicity's sake - well, I realize it now as well. For her, when I first became close to her, I took her as a daughter figure. I took so much care of her. Cleaned up after her and even put money in her wallet without her knowing when she was having financial trouble. I know I can bend over backwards for her for pretty much anything.
I made Heavens my mom, and in her actions and in our relationship I want from her what I have always wanted from a mother. With Hope, I treated her, and displayed so much patience and care with her, just as I hope my mother would do for me.
Transference. That’s what they call it in counseling terms.
It makes perfect sense to me. I now understand why I am so attached with these two girls and why my mood is so pegged to Heavens and why I take care of Hope the way I do.
Each session I keep on telling my counselor that I came with the intention to talk about my relationship with my mom and this experience that I experienced, and I haven’t even gotten to it yet. But I am. Lo! I am.
I don’t know what to do with this realization – but it is like a huge eureka moment for me. I now understand perhaps why these relationships are what they are and they mean what they do to me. Now I perhaps can understand for myself the relationships that so many people have been surprised about and commented on because they cannot understand it for themselves. ‘Normal’ friend relationships are not quite what Heavens and Hope are to me.
May God preserve my relationships with them, and may this clarity only strengthen our bonds.
Friday, November 25, 2011
update | "move on"
my cousin went to visit the family - his family...she suspects he is seeing someone else (he is still married).
she told me to "move on" and that its not worth it to allow my memory of him to run my life. i have to stop being angry she says. he has moved on with his life so i should to.
im not surprised. its expected. dropped me and moved to someone else...i knew it. but i wish i could just erase his whole existence out of my life.
he has messed me up, is still messing me up, and messing my relationship with people up. i hate him so much.
she told me to "move on" and that its not worth it to allow my memory of him to run my life. i have to stop being angry she says. he has moved on with his life so i should to.
im not surprised. its expected. dropped me and moved to someone else...i knew it. but i wish i could just erase his whole existence out of my life.
he has messed me up, is still messing me up, and messing my relationship with people up. i hate him so much.
the way i love
when i was 'with' him i convinced myself i loved him. and that meant that as a lover i would take all the pain he was causing me. i would experience his pain with him and find solutions for him, just as i would try to fix my own problems. i swallowed whatever it is he brought my way in the name of love. i tried to find innovative ways of how i could give off myself to make him feel better. i buried my pain because i thought when you love, you do so unconditionally and you take whatever it is that comes forth.
i created this standard of love.
the next person i grew close to was my friend which i have mentioned before - the one i told first about my experience. i was hurt a lot when i realized that she couldn't love me in the same way - to feel my pain in the same way i thought 'loving' meant one had to - the way i experienced his pain. i have learned so much from her because she bluntly gives me wake up calls and brings me back down to earth.
and then with Heavens, i have grown so attached. and because she has expressed that she loves me, i have placed the same expectations on her subconsciously. despite how much she has given me, i expected more and more. i want to change this about me. like she said, just because for me i can stretch myself and try to place myself in another person's shoes to experience their pain - and that i love to do that in the name of love - not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to do that.
ur such an ass. that's all i want to say to myself right now.
i created this standard of love.
the next person i grew close to was my friend which i have mentioned before - the one i told first about my experience. i was hurt a lot when i realized that she couldn't love me in the same way - to feel my pain in the same way i thought 'loving' meant one had to - the way i experienced his pain. i have learned so much from her because she bluntly gives me wake up calls and brings me back down to earth.
and then with Heavens, i have grown so attached. and because she has expressed that she loves me, i have placed the same expectations on her subconsciously. despite how much she has given me, i expected more and more. i want to change this about me. like she said, just because for me i can stretch myself and try to place myself in another person's shoes to experience their pain - and that i love to do that in the name of love - not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to do that.
ur such an ass. that's all i want to say to myself right now.
i hurt my friend
when i started to go to counseling i decided that i wouldn't tell anyone. my friend Heavens had convinced me that i needed to go after the last sandstorm i had, but when i made the calls and attended the initial assessment session, i didn't tell her about it. she had mentioned to me that in her own journey of healing, she would make sure that she kept certain things to herself, and that that gave her a sense of strength stronger than any other sense of strength - that to be able to do something on her own, by herself, meant she was healing through it.
silence has never been my way with her - i love to share with her many things. but this time i said no - i'll keep it to myself. many times since that conversation she mentioned that i should consider counseling and each time i would say okay but not tell her.
this week i was supposed to have my first karate competitive fight. i have been anticipating this for months and have been training hard. yesterday i found out that it was canceled. i was bummed out. and who did i go to, to vent - i went to Heavens. for three hours i typed none stop on my smart phone about many things - the fact that i was hurt she wasn't going to make it to the fight (she had planned to but then couldn't).....the fact that she never read my blog (although i had the expectation that she would and although i understand it was very hard for her to do so).....I told her i felt alone and that life has taught me that for somethings u have to experience things on your own no matter what.
i also told her i am seeking counseling.
she wrote to me today and said that when i told her that she cried a lot. it made her feel used because she has been trying so hard to make me feel better and here I was seeking counseling trying to make myself feel better while she didn’t know I was getting this external help. in her own words, I made her feel like she had been 'slapped' when i told her i felt alone because she has been trying so hard to be there for me (despite the many real struggles she has been facing in her own life), and yet I felt so alone. she feels she gives so much and now she feels I don’t get it....that I don't see it or feel it.
Heavens has been stretched thin and I have been stretching her further. and here I was getting this additional help and never told her. and its help she has encouraged me to seek because she felt she couldn't give me what i needed although she tried - and its help she herself has been wanting to seek but can't afford.
how needy am i and how bad of a friend am i to impose myself in this way on Heavens despite her being there for me so much?
if i could tell her something it would be that i just started counseling and the reason why i didn't tell her was because i was trying to experience some of this strength that she gains from silent actions. i would also tell her that despite the fact that i believe the few sessions have been beneficial, it doesn't replace her role in my life and my need for her. i would tell her i realize that i have imposed myself on her and i am sorry - that i love with a particular standard of love which i have made her feel that i expect and its not right of me. i would tell her that u have been a great source of strength to me and i hate myself right now for causing u pain and contributing to the physical sickness she has been experiencing because of everything that has happened to her and the many people that rely on her.
but i would also say that she cant be upset at me for not telling her. whether i told her or not i still need her in the same way. what may need to change is why i have grown to need her the way i do. its not fair for me to expect so much from her.
why do i expect it? and why do i expect it only from Heavens?
silence has never been my way with her - i love to share with her many things. but this time i said no - i'll keep it to myself. many times since that conversation she mentioned that i should consider counseling and each time i would say okay but not tell her.
this week i was supposed to have my first karate competitive fight. i have been anticipating this for months and have been training hard. yesterday i found out that it was canceled. i was bummed out. and who did i go to, to vent - i went to Heavens. for three hours i typed none stop on my smart phone about many things - the fact that i was hurt she wasn't going to make it to the fight (she had planned to but then couldn't).....the fact that she never read my blog (although i had the expectation that she would and although i understand it was very hard for her to do so).....I told her i felt alone and that life has taught me that for somethings u have to experience things on your own no matter what.
i also told her i am seeking counseling.
she wrote to me today and said that when i told her that she cried a lot. it made her feel used because she has been trying so hard to make me feel better and here I was seeking counseling trying to make myself feel better while she didn’t know I was getting this external help. in her own words, I made her feel like she had been 'slapped' when i told her i felt alone because she has been trying so hard to be there for me (despite the many real struggles she has been facing in her own life), and yet I felt so alone. she feels she gives so much and now she feels I don’t get it....that I don't see it or feel it.
Heavens has been stretched thin and I have been stretching her further. and here I was getting this additional help and never told her. and its help she has encouraged me to seek because she felt she couldn't give me what i needed although she tried - and its help she herself has been wanting to seek but can't afford.
how needy am i and how bad of a friend am i to impose myself in this way on Heavens despite her being there for me so much?
if i could tell her something it would be that i just started counseling and the reason why i didn't tell her was because i was trying to experience some of this strength that she gains from silent actions. i would also tell her that despite the fact that i believe the few sessions have been beneficial, it doesn't replace her role in my life and my need for her. i would tell her i realize that i have imposed myself on her and i am sorry - that i love with a particular standard of love which i have made her feel that i expect and its not right of me. i would tell her that u have been a great source of strength to me and i hate myself right now for causing u pain and contributing to the physical sickness she has been experiencing because of everything that has happened to her and the many people that rely on her.
but i would also say that she cant be upset at me for not telling her. whether i told her or not i still need her in the same way. what may need to change is why i have grown to need her the way i do. its not fair for me to expect so much from her.
why do i expect it? and why do i expect it only from Heavens?
Monday, October 24, 2011
things i need to work on.
Instead of talking without a direction, I think I should set a few goals for myself regarding what I want to achieve from these counseling sessions. This is my list as of now:
1) fix my heart when it comes to my parents, especially my mom.
- I do not have patience when I feel my parents are trying to control me, and I often feel my relationship with my mom is one where I am trying to uphold my obligation as a daughter rather than to love her for the sake of loving her. It was her birthday this past week. I arranged for a gift to be delivered to her - but when she finally got it and I spoke to her on the phone I was very sad. I didn't feel love in my heart for her or share the happiness that she presumably felt once she received the gift. I want to love my mom the way I love people I hold dear to me.
2) dont let this experience consume my entire being.
- When I feel I fail at something, I feel as if I have somehow allowed him to 'win yet again'...every failure is a testament to his affect on my life. Alternatively, when I feel good about something, I also think of how it relates to the experience. The other day I felt I had a really productive time at school. It clicked near the end of the day that the song that I had on repeat in my earphones was Rihanna's Unfaithful. I've written about that song before...when I was listening to it on repeat the other day it gave me sense of power - as if I was cheating on him, but felt good about it because it was something I was able to metaphorically do - I could be his 'murderer'. While I enjoyed my progress on my work, all I wanted to say is 'in your face'
3)control my bursts of anger.
- I want them to go away. I don't like having them. I don't like the feeling of weakness that I get after I am done with them.
4) allow myself to have a normal relationship one day.
- I freaked out when the guy I was considering for marriage last year tried to touch me. I don't want to be haunted by flashbacks when I am intimate with my husband after I marry, God-willing.
5) stop questioning why I haven't heard from him or why he has just been able to move on.
- Who cares? Forget him. Don't allow him to make you feel so sad.
So...that's my list for now...I may add more as necessary.
What do you think of my list? Anything else I need to work on?
1) fix my heart when it comes to my parents, especially my mom.
- I do not have patience when I feel my parents are trying to control me, and I often feel my relationship with my mom is one where I am trying to uphold my obligation as a daughter rather than to love her for the sake of loving her. It was her birthday this past week. I arranged for a gift to be delivered to her - but when she finally got it and I spoke to her on the phone I was very sad. I didn't feel love in my heart for her or share the happiness that she presumably felt once she received the gift. I want to love my mom the way I love people I hold dear to me.
2) dont let this experience consume my entire being.
- When I feel I fail at something, I feel as if I have somehow allowed him to 'win yet again'...every failure is a testament to his affect on my life. Alternatively, when I feel good about something, I also think of how it relates to the experience. The other day I felt I had a really productive time at school. It clicked near the end of the day that the song that I had on repeat in my earphones was Rihanna's Unfaithful. I've written about that song before...when I was listening to it on repeat the other day it gave me sense of power - as if I was cheating on him, but felt good about it because it was something I was able to metaphorically do - I could be his 'murderer'. While I enjoyed my progress on my work, all I wanted to say is 'in your face'
3)control my bursts of anger.
- I want them to go away. I don't like having them. I don't like the feeling of weakness that I get after I am done with them.
4) allow myself to have a normal relationship one day.
- I freaked out when the guy I was considering for marriage last year tried to touch me. I don't want to be haunted by flashbacks when I am intimate with my husband after I marry, God-willing.
5) stop questioning why I haven't heard from him or why he has just been able to move on.
- Who cares? Forget him. Don't allow him to make you feel so sad.
So...that's my list for now...I may add more as necessary.
What do you think of my list? Anything else I need to work on?
c.o.u.n.s.e.l.i.n.g.
Yes. I went.
Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.
I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'
After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.
Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.
Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.
The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.
Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.
I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'
After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.
Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.
Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.
The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)