Today I met a girl who is completing her final year of her PhD program in psychology. I asked her about 'a friend of mine' who experienced a long episode of sexual relations with a man 22 years her senior...something that began when she just became a teen. I asked her whether it is true that even if at first there are feelings of hate and anger toward the abuser, these emotions can turn into love and affection over time. 'Yes of course,' she said, 'it is a diagnosable syndrome'. Its a coping mechanism, and often seen in victims of abuse in war-torn areas...for example in cases where child soldiers begin to take on the opinions of their perpetrators, seeing them as victims...this is part of what eventually pushes the child soldiers to 'willfully' stand with them. Its what we do when we see no way out...when we have lost all hope.
I wrote this on September 22nd, 2007 - just a few weeks after I decided it was time for me to leave the country...to get away from the whole relationship:
========================
Purposeful Suffering
When I wake up
Immediate thoughts of you occupy my mind
I feel for the bangle we so carefully chose
And I think of the inscription that is now engraved in my heart
Your voice used to greet each new day with me
Now only memories of our past suffice
I am here
Living
Breathing
Even smiling
But in my heart I am lost
A sacrifice I call it
For God’s sake
But I often question this choice
The rationality behind the sorrow I feel
And the pain that I know you are living through
My outward is strong
A pillar
But the recitation of Quran
The stroke of a violin
The breeze of cold air on my face
These evoke images of you as I go through my day
Anyone who looks into my eyes knows I am not there
Alive but dead
My heart with you
And if I’m dead then you’ve already reached the eternal dwelling
My sadness is more your suffering
Be okay and perhaps I will be better
And know that when I go to sleep
I carefully put on your shirt
I know its not you
But it makes me feel closer
Safe
========================
A few weeks later I wrote 'Suboptimal'. He wanted to continue our relationship, even if it had to be long distance. I wrote this on October 11th, 2007, when I still was strong.
========================
Suboptimal
Love is something to look forward to
Something that brings joy to your life
Exactly what we once shared
But these last few weeks
This love has been but pain
My heart has become heavy
My face has aged
And my eyes are hollow
I look dead when I laugh
I no longer have an appetite
Any happiness is followed with guilt.
This is my personal suffering.
I don’t need anyone’s sympathy
But this love has now twisted
It’s not something I long for
It’s something I dread
I feel trapped by what I want to do
And what for emotion’s sake
I am being asked to do
It’s pointless
It’s too late
We will never have what we shared
Miles apart
Blocked by our consequence
We will not be able to reconcile
Reality stares at me in the face whenever you speak to me
Satisfaction without movement is no longer an option
For now let us move on with our lives
Let me find suboptimal love that will at least be accepted by others
Suboptimal love that will at least let me have the kids I long for
It’s not my fault you are apart at home
It’s not my fault you have no way to release
At least you have someone who is there with you
I still need to find my suboptimal.
========================
After this, the relationship did continue long-distance for about 6 months or so. I am not sure how long. I have forgotten.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Small accomplishments, not so small
I’m sitting with my back straight – straighter than I can remember it has been for a while. I just came from watching the King’s Speech. In the movie, King George the Sixth is being helped with his speech impediment. He stammers, and has been doing so since he was five or six. The movie is about him overcoming that with the help of someone who ends up taking on the role of a psychologist…but a friend at the core.
The last scene is of the first wartime speech being made by the King…and it was perfect. The actor did an amazing job. But I realized something as I watched him struggle as he made it happen…I realized that something that might look as ‘simple’ as giving a speech…(which by the way he gave not in front of an audience but in front of a microphone as it was being broad-casted on radio)…is not a small accomplishment for him. Some people might find it mundane to speak…but this movie helped me see that what some of us may take for granted is not necessarily the reality for others. It’s relative…accomplishments are relative. No one should compare…because you can’t compare.
Today I sit with my back straight because I accomplished something. I went to the movies alone.
I imagine that someone reading this might be frowning now, or a subtle smile perhaps…perhaps one eyebrow raised as if confused.
I have lived ‘alone’ since I moved for undergrad. 4 years I was in the dorms, and during my Masters too I lived in an apartment on my own…but, he was always a part of my life…age 13-23…I always get my time-lines mixed up…I can’t image it was 10 years…but I know we were ‘together’ throughout high school, throughout undergrad, and throughout my Masters, after which I moved abroad for a bit (which is when it ended).
Regardless…I suppose someone who doesn’t know this story might praise me for my ability to have been on my own for so long…or surprised and asking whether or not I miss my family when I am away. But you see…while we were together, I was never ever alone.
When I moved off to university, we were about an hour drive away from each other, but he would visit during the week sometimes, and almost every weekend I would take the bus down and we would be together. I was so busy on weekdays - I did nothing other than school work and attend whatever meetings I had to for the student groups I was part of. My leisure was spent with him…movies, going out, eating out…yes I’d do a bit of that with my girlfriends during the week…but, I never left campus. It was extremely rare to venture out into the city with my friends. I think I did it once in 4 years.
I grew very used to having someone so close to me. A friend recently asked me what animal I would be if I was asked to describe myself as one, and I said a spider…because I’m clingy. And I know why. I was just trained to be like that..I grew to being comfortable only when I have someone I am close with by my side. Our phone bills would go into the hundreds…when we were not together, he would know exactly where I was each minute. Literally..’I left class’, ‘I’m eating’, ‘I’m attending a meeting’, ‘I’m with my friends’...’I’m going to bed’. Everything.
When I moved countries, I was so blessed with a friend whom everyone knew we shared the same ‘web’…we were communicating and together constantly…and in so many ways I needed that to transition from him being the center of my life. Her friends became mine, we moved back here to attend more school…and now even her family is mine.
I messaged her today about the movie and she couldn’t come because she was busy. But I knew today was going to be different anyways when I woke up – and I knew I would go to the movies...and that I would be going alone. It was time. And I did.
It might sound simple to some of you who are reading this. Or, perhaps a bit odd. Here is someone who has lived away from family for so long…and still does..and someone who has traveled around and ‘been places’…but you know, despite all of that, I always had someone I cared for right with me. After him, it was this friend of mine. And, even though she is part of my life, I am finally learning how to do things on my own. I have never ever imagined that I would ever feel so proud of myself for going to the movies.
So why am I sitting with my back straight? Well, it’s because I’m slowly learning that I can do normal things without having to have someone stuck to me. For so long it was as if I was trained to always need someone by my side or in contact with me every single moment. But I'm internalizing that I am capable of handling things on my own. I am capable of doing things on my own if I want to even if others may not be able to. I do not need to rely on others all the time. I can make my own decisions. I can do it. And I’m not talking about do it in terms of being successful at school or what not…I’m talking about anything… I can even have fun on my own. I can go to the movies on my own.
I must add that as I left the house I couldn’t believe I was going to be doing this solo. I could have just grabbed my purse but I felt very empty as I walked towards the door...and a bit nervous. It’s as if I was buried under sand and I was coming out for the first time. I grabbed my school bag instead…laptop, journal, a couple of books…knew I wouldn’t need any of that. But still. I just felt I wanted some company.
Regardless. A small accomplishment to someone else…but to me…a huge step Alhamdulillah. Sort of reminds me of the first step on the moon :)
I think I have learned a big lesson today. Humans cannot be compared. What is big for me, may be trivial for you, and vice versa. Don’t you agree?
The last scene is of the first wartime speech being made by the King…and it was perfect. The actor did an amazing job. But I realized something as I watched him struggle as he made it happen…I realized that something that might look as ‘simple’ as giving a speech…(which by the way he gave not in front of an audience but in front of a microphone as it was being broad-casted on radio)…is not a small accomplishment for him. Some people might find it mundane to speak…but this movie helped me see that what some of us may take for granted is not necessarily the reality for others. It’s relative…accomplishments are relative. No one should compare…because you can’t compare.
Today I sit with my back straight because I accomplished something. I went to the movies alone.
I imagine that someone reading this might be frowning now, or a subtle smile perhaps…perhaps one eyebrow raised as if confused.
I have lived ‘alone’ since I moved for undergrad. 4 years I was in the dorms, and during my Masters too I lived in an apartment on my own…but, he was always a part of my life…age 13-23…I always get my time-lines mixed up…I can’t image it was 10 years…but I know we were ‘together’ throughout high school, throughout undergrad, and throughout my Masters, after which I moved abroad for a bit (which is when it ended).
Regardless…I suppose someone who doesn’t know this story might praise me for my ability to have been on my own for so long…or surprised and asking whether or not I miss my family when I am away. But you see…while we were together, I was never ever alone.
When I moved off to university, we were about an hour drive away from each other, but he would visit during the week sometimes, and almost every weekend I would take the bus down and we would be together. I was so busy on weekdays - I did nothing other than school work and attend whatever meetings I had to for the student groups I was part of. My leisure was spent with him…movies, going out, eating out…yes I’d do a bit of that with my girlfriends during the week…but, I never left campus. It was extremely rare to venture out into the city with my friends. I think I did it once in 4 years.
I grew very used to having someone so close to me. A friend recently asked me what animal I would be if I was asked to describe myself as one, and I said a spider…because I’m clingy. And I know why. I was just trained to be like that..I grew to being comfortable only when I have someone I am close with by my side. Our phone bills would go into the hundreds…when we were not together, he would know exactly where I was each minute. Literally..’I left class’, ‘I’m eating’, ‘I’m attending a meeting’, ‘I’m with my friends’...’I’m going to bed’. Everything.
When I moved countries, I was so blessed with a friend whom everyone knew we shared the same ‘web’…we were communicating and together constantly…and in so many ways I needed that to transition from him being the center of my life. Her friends became mine, we moved back here to attend more school…and now even her family is mine.
I messaged her today about the movie and she couldn’t come because she was busy. But I knew today was going to be different anyways when I woke up – and I knew I would go to the movies...and that I would be going alone. It was time. And I did.
It might sound simple to some of you who are reading this. Or, perhaps a bit odd. Here is someone who has lived away from family for so long…and still does..and someone who has traveled around and ‘been places’…but you know, despite all of that, I always had someone I cared for right with me. After him, it was this friend of mine. And, even though she is part of my life, I am finally learning how to do things on my own. I have never ever imagined that I would ever feel so proud of myself for going to the movies.
So why am I sitting with my back straight? Well, it’s because I’m slowly learning that I can do normal things without having to have someone stuck to me. For so long it was as if I was trained to always need someone by my side or in contact with me every single moment. But I'm internalizing that I am capable of handling things on my own. I am capable of doing things on my own if I want to even if others may not be able to. I do not need to rely on others all the time. I can make my own decisions. I can do it. And I’m not talking about do it in terms of being successful at school or what not…I’m talking about anything… I can even have fun on my own. I can go to the movies on my own.
I must add that as I left the house I couldn’t believe I was going to be doing this solo. I could have just grabbed my purse but I felt very empty as I walked towards the door...and a bit nervous. It’s as if I was buried under sand and I was coming out for the first time. I grabbed my school bag instead…laptop, journal, a couple of books…knew I wouldn’t need any of that. But still. I just felt I wanted some company.
Regardless. A small accomplishment to someone else…but to me…a huge step Alhamdulillah. Sort of reminds me of the first step on the moon :)
I think I have learned a big lesson today. Humans cannot be compared. What is big for me, may be trivial for you, and vice versa. Don’t you agree?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Mug.
I am currently having a relapse. I haven’t written in you in so long. I’ve been fine…better than fine…very good actually. This winter break has been life changing. I spoke to a cousin of mine about this whole experience. She knows who I am talking about too. She made me realize that he is a master manipulator. She made me realize more than ever how I was lured in and it wasn’t my fault. I spoke to my mom too. I told her how I have a short-fuse with her when she tries to control me now, yet she didn’t control me when I was so young. I told her things were wrong and that she should have noticed. She didn’t ask questions, but I think she knows that what I am talking about is too serious to ask for more detail. But she said I was right. It was as if my heart was finally penetrated and I have allowed the love my mom has for me to seep in. Our relationship is improving since. By the grace of God.
But right now. I don’t know if it has to do with the work that I am doing and how its been dragging, or because I’m just having a bad moment. But right now. I just want to walk into my kitchen. Take the mug that he gave me in my first year of undergrad that I have been using for the past 8 years..and break it. Tomorrow I will. I need to. It says on it that our bonds are everlasting, and that he has so much love for me. Today as I drank my tea I read the words for the first time in so long…when u use something so often you forget what things say or who they are from or what they symbolize. I was so disgusted that I had to stop myself from reading those words. I secretly wished I could drop the mug and break it right there. In fact, he has given me a lot of jewelry…I have been secretly wishing that I lose one ring right after the next and just have him leave me.
So many things that I have are from him. We were ‘together’ for so long. My gym bag, socks, shirts, shoes….he has sat on the couches in my living room since they have moved with me from place to place. He has drank water from the glasses I use and ate from the plates in my cupboard. He has sat at the dining table. Everywhere. I have a look of disgust at the screen.
I am okay – I promise. I don’t know why I feel this way all of a sudden. I was thinking about how much progress I’ve made. Forgive me. I hope my next post will be more positive. I need a new mug. I no longer wear his rings. I want to sell them. That money must be donated.
But right now. I don’t know if it has to do with the work that I am doing and how its been dragging, or because I’m just having a bad moment. But right now. I just want to walk into my kitchen. Take the mug that he gave me in my first year of undergrad that I have been using for the past 8 years..and break it. Tomorrow I will. I need to. It says on it that our bonds are everlasting, and that he has so much love for me. Today as I drank my tea I read the words for the first time in so long…when u use something so often you forget what things say or who they are from or what they symbolize. I was so disgusted that I had to stop myself from reading those words. I secretly wished I could drop the mug and break it right there. In fact, he has given me a lot of jewelry…I have been secretly wishing that I lose one ring right after the next and just have him leave me.
So many things that I have are from him. We were ‘together’ for so long. My gym bag, socks, shirts, shoes….he has sat on the couches in my living room since they have moved with me from place to place. He has drank water from the glasses I use and ate from the plates in my cupboard. He has sat at the dining table. Everywhere. I have a look of disgust at the screen.
I am okay – I promise. I don’t know why I feel this way all of a sudden. I was thinking about how much progress I’ve made. Forgive me. I hope my next post will be more positive. I need a new mug. I no longer wear his rings. I want to sell them. That money must be donated.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
why am i writing this?
you know, whenever we do something...we should think of why we are doing it. when i started this blog, it was because i needed to remember and get things that were buried for so long out of my system.
i feel it has helped me do that a lot and but for a few more incidents that i cant forget, i have relayed most of those moments that would haunt me the most. and once they are out - it feels good to know i let them out.
my last few posts have been significantly different from the first few...anyone following this blog can see it. in fact, introducing phase 2 i think paints a different picture...one that shows the extent of succumbing to the relationship i experienced...I believe it is a survival mechanism when u feel u can no longer get out.
and truly - starting this blog was very much about me sharing the story bc i truly feel that its an under-reported and under-discussed reality.
...regardless...i wont lie. sometimes i ask myself why i am writing this. and even if writing helps me, why is this blog online? why am i writing this? what is my intention? are they pure intentions?
i dont know.
i feel it has helped me do that a lot and but for a few more incidents that i cant forget, i have relayed most of those moments that would haunt me the most. and once they are out - it feels good to know i let them out.
my last few posts have been significantly different from the first few...anyone following this blog can see it. in fact, introducing phase 2 i think paints a different picture...one that shows the extent of succumbing to the relationship i experienced...I believe it is a survival mechanism when u feel u can no longer get out.
and truly - starting this blog was very much about me sharing the story bc i truly feel that its an under-reported and under-discussed reality.
...regardless...i wont lie. sometimes i ask myself why i am writing this. and even if writing helps me, why is this blog online? why am i writing this? what is my intention? are they pure intentions?
i dont know.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
everything happens for a reason.
If we live our life upholding the belief that everything happens for a reason, it can truly offer a deep sense of comfort….it provides solace to know that when things happen, especially things that we might perceive as bad, have a purpose...a positive purpose. That reason is most often not immediately known to us…and sometimes we wont know for years…and sometimes we will never know. But, simply internalizing that there is so much our limited capabilities veil us from understanding, and that God loves us and has our best interests in mind always…we can rest assured that whatever happened was not supposed to happen in any other the way than the way it did.
In Islam, there is a prayer known as Salatal Isthikhara. In that prayer, a person facing some kind of decision in life prays to God for guidance, and to make whatever course of action that is the best for that individual, blessed…and if it is bad, then you are asking God to move you away from it. During my final year in high school I believe, I was going through major major questioning of this relationship. I prayed salatal ishikhara for guidance on whether I should pull myself out of the relationship, or remain within it. I remember one day that I prayed it….I was in my mom’s room…I prayed it with so much conviction and so many tears. And, as soon as I finished, a significant sense of calm overtook me. For some reason, at that moment I felt that God wanted me to be in that relationship…and that it was better for me. This was the start of phase 2. I finally thought that yes, God knows what is best for me…and this is what I should be in.
Thereafter, I asked him to take me to an imam (a spiritual leader) so that we may become married in God’s presence ….I wanted nothing more than to stop feeling that I was doing something wrong…and if this was what was best for me, then I wanted to make it as legitimate as possible. He never took me to an imam…we went to a couple of mosques but he always said that the imam was not there. Then he introduced the idea of muta’a…a temporary marriage contract that certain shia’a sects believe in. I was not convinced...but it sounded like the lesser of two evils. Soon enough we did muta’a…and as with a normal marriage, he provided me with a dowry and I laid stipulations of marriage terms…one of which was that the ‘marriage’ would never be consummated. This is what caused me to feel less guilty and allowed me to lower my guard. It is what caused me to forget the stress I experienced for the first five years of the relationship while in high school. I still felt guilty deep inside…but I managed to convince myself otherwise. We would renew this contract year after year…until one day I decided I wanted it no more.
Now...if everything happens for a reason…then everything happens for a reason. I will never be able to understand truly…but there are many things I can think of. Post high school, I was going to be living away from home for the first time….who knows who I would have met during that time, and what could have happened if circumstances were different. Having him meant that my life was busy and any free time I did have I devoted to him rather than to anyone or anything else. He taught me a lot…about religion and life. And, ever since the beginning…it was my struggles with this relationship and the internal battles that I experienced which brought me closer to God. Never once, during all the pain, did I ever get mad at God. I went to Him for solace and comfort…I was mad at myself…and knowing God was there for me made me truly love Him and my faith. And now that I am able to look at this relationship in retrospect, I am drawn even more closer to God as I seek forgiveness and seek understanding of what occurred. And, given the anger and sadness I feel when I remember how it all started….I feel a sense of wanting to serve…to do what I can to open the eyes of people that need to have their eyes opened, and whose eyes I can open. I want to serve my mother. I want to serve myself by being the best person I can be to make up for the lost time.
But why am I rationalizing? There is no need to rationalize. Everything that happened was meant for me to experience exactly the way it did. Sometimes I spend hours rereading the posts I have written on this blog…and for some reason, I keep on doing that every once in a while. I always remember Khalil Gibran’s quote that ‘pain is self-chosen’ - reading them often puts me at a different level…most often feelings of hurt and sorrow surface….sometimes anger…but I can’t help myself. And I suppose one day I will understand better why I keep on reminding myself and why I put myself through those feelings. Who knows what the future has in store…perhaps the training in life that he gave me will be the best of lessons learned…maybe I will face a situation in the future which I will be able to overcome…especially emotionally…because I have been through it before and I know what to expect and how to control it. Who knows? All I know is that Allah loves me. And He knows my heart.
A friend of mine told me once that humans are meant to sin because it causes us to return to Him stronger so long as we manage things in the right way. And lessons we learn from our sins are applied throughout our entire life…and applied too, when we interact with others and advise them. They never leave us because they shape us. And, when we experience pain, God is the most compassionate…and through it, is trying to ease our entry to heaven. We just need to have more foresight...we need to remember this life is transitory and that there is an eternity that is to be faced by us. And, we would rather it be blissful….and if pain means rahma (mercy)…if after every isr there is yusr (after every hardship comes ease)…then we must be grateful for the wisdom behind the understanding that everything happens for a reason.
No child should experience such pain and confusion…but who am I kidding? How many children experience mountains worse than what I did on a daily basis. It is life…and God is perfect…there are just imperfect people in this world. Vile too. But this is life. Its about what we do about it that matters. How do we take control?
A few posts before I wrote about how ironic it is that the one leading to light can be the same as the one paving one's way to hell...perhaps vice versa is better...that there is nothing more ironic than the one paving the way to hell also being the one leading the way to light. I do believe that a lot of bad can lead to good…sometimes it’s meant to happen that way.
Sometimes when I reread my posts, I have a smile in my heart. I remember those feelings, and look at my life and myself right now...and just smile. I made it :) It was meant to be. God is Greater.
In Islam, there is a prayer known as Salatal Isthikhara. In that prayer, a person facing some kind of decision in life prays to God for guidance, and to make whatever course of action that is the best for that individual, blessed…and if it is bad, then you are asking God to move you away from it. During my final year in high school I believe, I was going through major major questioning of this relationship. I prayed salatal ishikhara for guidance on whether I should pull myself out of the relationship, or remain within it. I remember one day that I prayed it….I was in my mom’s room…I prayed it with so much conviction and so many tears. And, as soon as I finished, a significant sense of calm overtook me. For some reason, at that moment I felt that God wanted me to be in that relationship…and that it was better for me. This was the start of phase 2. I finally thought that yes, God knows what is best for me…and this is what I should be in.
Thereafter, I asked him to take me to an imam (a spiritual leader) so that we may become married in God’s presence ….I wanted nothing more than to stop feeling that I was doing something wrong…and if this was what was best for me, then I wanted to make it as legitimate as possible. He never took me to an imam…we went to a couple of mosques but he always said that the imam was not there. Then he introduced the idea of muta’a…a temporary marriage contract that certain shia’a sects believe in. I was not convinced...but it sounded like the lesser of two evils. Soon enough we did muta’a…and as with a normal marriage, he provided me with a dowry and I laid stipulations of marriage terms…one of which was that the ‘marriage’ would never be consummated. This is what caused me to feel less guilty and allowed me to lower my guard. It is what caused me to forget the stress I experienced for the first five years of the relationship while in high school. I still felt guilty deep inside…but I managed to convince myself otherwise. We would renew this contract year after year…until one day I decided I wanted it no more.
Now...if everything happens for a reason…then everything happens for a reason. I will never be able to understand truly…but there are many things I can think of. Post high school, I was going to be living away from home for the first time….who knows who I would have met during that time, and what could have happened if circumstances were different. Having him meant that my life was busy and any free time I did have I devoted to him rather than to anyone or anything else. He taught me a lot…about religion and life. And, ever since the beginning…it was my struggles with this relationship and the internal battles that I experienced which brought me closer to God. Never once, during all the pain, did I ever get mad at God. I went to Him for solace and comfort…I was mad at myself…and knowing God was there for me made me truly love Him and my faith. And now that I am able to look at this relationship in retrospect, I am drawn even more closer to God as I seek forgiveness and seek understanding of what occurred. And, given the anger and sadness I feel when I remember how it all started….I feel a sense of wanting to serve…to do what I can to open the eyes of people that need to have their eyes opened, and whose eyes I can open. I want to serve my mother. I want to serve myself by being the best person I can be to make up for the lost time.
But why am I rationalizing? There is no need to rationalize. Everything that happened was meant for me to experience exactly the way it did. Sometimes I spend hours rereading the posts I have written on this blog…and for some reason, I keep on doing that every once in a while. I always remember Khalil Gibran’s quote that ‘pain is self-chosen’ - reading them often puts me at a different level…most often feelings of hurt and sorrow surface….sometimes anger…but I can’t help myself. And I suppose one day I will understand better why I keep on reminding myself and why I put myself through those feelings. Who knows what the future has in store…perhaps the training in life that he gave me will be the best of lessons learned…maybe I will face a situation in the future which I will be able to overcome…especially emotionally…because I have been through it before and I know what to expect and how to control it. Who knows? All I know is that Allah loves me. And He knows my heart.
A friend of mine told me once that humans are meant to sin because it causes us to return to Him stronger so long as we manage things in the right way. And lessons we learn from our sins are applied throughout our entire life…and applied too, when we interact with others and advise them. They never leave us because they shape us. And, when we experience pain, God is the most compassionate…and through it, is trying to ease our entry to heaven. We just need to have more foresight...we need to remember this life is transitory and that there is an eternity that is to be faced by us. And, we would rather it be blissful….and if pain means rahma (mercy)…if after every isr there is yusr (after every hardship comes ease)…then we must be grateful for the wisdom behind the understanding that everything happens for a reason.
No child should experience such pain and confusion…but who am I kidding? How many children experience mountains worse than what I did on a daily basis. It is life…and God is perfect…there are just imperfect people in this world. Vile too. But this is life. Its about what we do about it that matters. How do we take control?
A few posts before I wrote about how ironic it is that the one leading to light can be the same as the one paving one's way to hell...perhaps vice versa is better...that there is nothing more ironic than the one paving the way to hell also being the one leading the way to light. I do believe that a lot of bad can lead to good…sometimes it’s meant to happen that way.
Sometimes when I reread my posts, I have a smile in my heart. I remember those feelings, and look at my life and myself right now...and just smile. I made it :) It was meant to be. God is Greater.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Perspective
When I think of how I approach everything in life...whether it is my studies, my faith, my growth, my passions, my hobbies...for me, it is all about proving something to myself. I envision a brick wall that I am breaking with a chisel with my own hand. Everything for me is about proving to myself that I can do it by labouring at it...even traveling or my new found karate passion is about me facing a brick wall that I must break. I view my life as a set of internal challenges that I must overcome for myself. It is about proving to myself that I am strong enough. I have adopted this perspective because of him. For so many years of my life I was fighting an internal battle with myself. Everything was about me fighting myself. And till today, I approach life thinking of one battle after the next. I hope that this perspective will change...I think it may very well be changing already. Life shouldn't be about fighting all the time...everything that is meant to be will be. I wish sometimes I could just sit back and watch life just unfold. Perhaps one day I will reach this stage.
Having said that, I want to put things into perspective. I suppose there are two ways that people go through hardship in their life. For some, it encapsulates them and defines their entire existence. For others, it is part of their life...a major one...but in reflection it is recognized that it just one portion of their life. I fall into this latter category.
By Allah, I have had mountains and mountains of blessings in my life and I recognize them. I have had an amazing life Alhamdulillah...I have a supportive family and I feel I have been able to accomplish a lot. Allah has opened doors of opportunity and ease for me that a lifetime of prostration is inadequate to give Him thanks for what I have been granted. Beautiful people have entered into my life, and I am ever grateful for this.
This relationship did define things for me...but it defined things for me on the inside. Inside I was angry, guilty, and hurting. Inside I hated myself and could not supplicate for myself because I felt dirty and unworthy. But outside, and truly, I was not in a state of depression. On the contrary, and I have mentioned this before, I have been, and am, a very happy person Alhamdulillah. There was just this huge secret I was hiding and my struggles were purely internal...a battle with myself. Other than that, my life outside was a perfect life Alhamdulillah...this relationship did not inhibit me from developing a zest for living and having multitudes of moments of genuine happiness. My life was and is amazing. My battle, the battle that I share with you, was my own struggle in my heart.
When I recount these stories, it helps ease the suffering I experienced inside. But this relationship did not inhibit me for loving life and living in comfort. I am grateful that this was the extent of my trial...it is by God's grace that it did not infiltrate into my external affairs. I know for some, their experiences do take over all aspects of their life. May God grant them strength...I do not know how I would have handled things if it was like that for me.
I think it is important that I make this distinction apparent...I do not want to seem ungrateful for the life I have had. It is important for me to make sure I keep things in perspective. Have I been able to articulate this distinction? Am I making sense?
Having said that, I want to put things into perspective. I suppose there are two ways that people go through hardship in their life. For some, it encapsulates them and defines their entire existence. For others, it is part of their life...a major one...but in reflection it is recognized that it just one portion of their life. I fall into this latter category.
By Allah, I have had mountains and mountains of blessings in my life and I recognize them. I have had an amazing life Alhamdulillah...I have a supportive family and I feel I have been able to accomplish a lot. Allah has opened doors of opportunity and ease for me that a lifetime of prostration is inadequate to give Him thanks for what I have been granted. Beautiful people have entered into my life, and I am ever grateful for this.
This relationship did define things for me...but it defined things for me on the inside. Inside I was angry, guilty, and hurting. Inside I hated myself and could not supplicate for myself because I felt dirty and unworthy. But outside, and truly, I was not in a state of depression. On the contrary, and I have mentioned this before, I have been, and am, a very happy person Alhamdulillah. There was just this huge secret I was hiding and my struggles were purely internal...a battle with myself. Other than that, my life outside was a perfect life Alhamdulillah...this relationship did not inhibit me from developing a zest for living and having multitudes of moments of genuine happiness. My life was and is amazing. My battle, the battle that I share with you, was my own struggle in my heart.
When I recount these stories, it helps ease the suffering I experienced inside. But this relationship did not inhibit me for loving life and living in comfort. I am grateful that this was the extent of my trial...it is by God's grace that it did not infiltrate into my external affairs. I know for some, their experiences do take over all aspects of their life. May God grant them strength...I do not know how I would have handled things if it was like that for me.
I think it is important that I make this distinction apparent...I do not want to seem ungrateful for the life I have had. It is important for me to make sure I keep things in perspective. Have I been able to articulate this distinction? Am I making sense?
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