A Reflecting Arab Muslim Girl From Around the Corner

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I am currently having a relapse. I haven’t written in you in so long. I’ve been fine…better than fine…very good actually. This winter break has been life changing. I spoke to a cousin of mine about this whole experience. She knows who I am talking about too. She made me realize that he is a master manipulator. She made me realize more than ever how I was lured in and it wasn’t my fault. I spoke to my mom too. I told her how I have a short-fuse with her when she tries to control me now, yet she didn’t control me when I was so young. I told her things were wrong and that she should have noticed. She didn’t ask questions, but I think she knows that what I am talking about is too serious to ask for more detail. But she said I was right. It was as if my heart was finally penetrated and I have allowed the love my mom has for me to seep in. Our relationship is improving since. By the grace of God.
But right now. I don’t know if it has to do with the work that I am doing and how its been dragging, or because I’m just having a bad moment. But right now. I just want to walk into my kitchen. Take the mug that he gave me in my first year of undergrad that I have been using for the past 8 years..and break it. Tomorrow I will. I need to. It says on it that our bonds are everlasting, and that he has so much love for me. Today as I drank my tea I read the words for the first time in so long…when u use something so often you forget what things say or who they are from or what they symbolize. I was so disgusted that I had to stop myself from reading those words. I secretly wished I could drop the mug and break it right there. In fact, he has given me a lot of jewelry…I have been secretly wishing that I lose one ring right after the next and just have him leave me.
So many things that I have are from him. We were ‘together’ for so long. My gym bag, socks, shirts, shoes….he has sat on the couches in my living room since they have moved with me from place to place. He has drank water from the glasses I use and ate from the plates in my cupboard. He has sat at the dining table. Everywhere. I have a look of disgust at the screen.
I am okay – I promise. I don’t know why I feel this way all of a sudden. I was thinking about how much progress I’ve made. Forgive me. I hope my next post will be more positive. I need a new mug. I no longer wear his rings. I want to sell them. That money must be donated.

1 comment:

  1. This doesn't sound like a relapse, but a reckoning, a time when the emotions are felt so that they can be considered and shucked off. This will never be over like you might think, but the episodes will pass more quickly, the emotion less damaging. It is a good idea to sell the stuff and donate the proceeds. If that is too burdensome, just give it away to Goodwill or a charity that has a bargain store.