A Reflecting Arab Muslim Girl From Around the Corner

Saturday, November 17, 2012

the psychology of the abused

a letter to God that I wrote on February 15th, 2009.  I remember. I printed out this letter and went to the sea and threw it in the water.


So it’s true that I no longer feel as close to You as I once felt. I’m doing the obligatory and even the voluntary that I have been so accustomed to doing– but the connection to You is not there anymore. I don’t feel that my heart tingles. I don’t feel the closeness.  It’s as if I am in a dream and aware that I am dreaming – as in, I know that I am in this phase, and I know there is nothing I can do about it.  But deep in my heart I feel that it will pass.  I hope to You that it will pass. But other than that, how can I just force myself to feel closer to you?  [...]
I just read a short segment of a book that talked about women who over think, and the first piece of advice was for women to write down their thoughts.  And so I am writing.
You know, I feel honestly that perhaps the reason why I am so distant right now is because I feel like a horrible person by ignoring his messages and emails.  I do not want to not contact him – I do not want him to feel for one bit that this relationship is one sided.  But, he is the one that asked me to stop contacting him – for our own good.  I truly believe, now, that the reason why I am drifting from You is because I feel like a sinner.  I feel like a person who is so in the wrong, so evil, to the extent that I do not deserve the closeness that I once felt to You.  
Many a times I have heard people say that they are too embarrassed to pray. Or that they don’t know how to face God. Perhaps this is the true reason as to why I feel further from You with each passing moment.      
The thought itself shudders, but I feel like I am allowing the love of my life – the one whom loves me to death by Your grace alone - to suffer right in front of me as I sit on the sidelines and do nothing.  I am watching him ‘die’ without providing him the life support that is so easy for me to give.  It will take no power or energy on my part to press reply, to say that I still feel with all my heart those three words for him.  But I am stopping myself.  I am forcing myself not to.
I have felt depressed like this before when we were not in touch, and I know that writing to him – even if it was a short 2 liner email – would calm me.  But it has never been this long – this much time has never elapsed.  Almost a decade – and it’s never been this cold between us.  That is why I cannot wait till his birthday. So I can send a gift and perhaps a short message - and breathe again.  So I can once again feel like I am doing justice to the love we share and to the many sacrifices we have both endured.  
You know, I even stop myself from thinking of him. Because it pains me to know he is paining; pains me so much to an extent that I resent our history.  It’s as if our connection, our love, has resulted in an emptiness; an emptiness that is forcing me away from You.
God, I love You and I want nothing more than to be in Your favour.  I want to dedicate my life, my existence, my everything to You.  I want to be a source of pleasure for You.  Please allow me to come closer to You. Allow me the honour of feeling Your presence as I bow down.  And, allow me the honour of feeling Your love and contentment and pleasure entering into my heart as I put my forehead to the ground and remember Your majesty.  
You are able to do all things. Please bring me back to You, accept me in Your arms and make me connected to You as I have never been before.

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