I had it again…the same type of dream. I have not been getting a lot of sleep these past few days. You know…one of the worst dreams for me to have is a ‘feeling dream’. They are the dreams where you replay feelings that you once felt…negative feelings. They come out while you are sleeping and you feel them to be so real…you feel the same anxiety that you once felt years ago. It is very exhausting.
One of the worst feelings for me throughout this whole relationship was the fear that my mother would find out. My nightmares during high school or when I was at home from university during the summers, would be of him being in my bedroom or in the basement, while my mom is asleep in her room…she would then wake up and somehow even though she senses something…nothing happens. Either she doesn’t see him because he runs away and I cover the tracks, or he makes up a lie and she buys it, or, circumstances make it so that things were not able to be apparent to her.
Today, when I hear any lecture or anyone speak about parents…especially mothers…I am brought to a state of weakness instantly. I wasted so many years. Instead of loving my mother…I resented her. I was hurt by her. I was afraid of her. I was running away from her. And he would say things that would make me believe she is a bad mother to me. He would fill my head with stories about how my mother loved my siblings more than I….that I had a purer heart than my mother…that she was evil. He would say that I was more mature than my own mother - that my mom controlled me to the extent that I was mothering my own mother. Yes…for the duration of the relationship, this is what he would say. And I suppose he would go through moments of guilt for filling my mind with these stories because every once in a while he would ask ‘who loves you most in the world?’…when I said him, he would say ‘No, its your mother’. A contradiction. So many contradictions.
In today’s dream, the same thing happened. I was in my home doing some work. He then comes over and asks me to go to the next room. He has made sure no one is at home and wants to get intimate. I am disgusted. I do not want to do this again. He is weak and needy…I told him…”enjoy this because this is the last time you will see me like this. I’m done. This, you won’t see again,” as I pointed to my body…and it looked the way it does now. “I’m done” I told him. “I’m done”.
Before anything happens we hear a sound – I go out of the room and subhnallah my mom is on the couch. She apparently came back home and acted like she was napping for a while. She says I heard his voice..I said, “Who? Mom, you’re hearing things” – and while I am talking to my mom he slips out of the room and runs away. I am burdened by the fact that I was so close to being caught, but even more in pain that my mom buys my story. Each time she bought my story.
Alas, though….in my dream I told him “I’m done”…and I truly believe I am done Alhamdulillah. That’s it. I am not afraid of him anymore…and I only recount these memories to get them off my chest forever, and to help whoever is reading if possible. God has opened a new path for me...and I can have a future without feeling the burden of guilt towards Him because of this relationship, Inshallah.
I am hoping that somehow I serve my mother in ways she cannot imagine…so that I may be internally cleansed from the years of hate he made me feel towards her; for my anger towards her for not noticing; and, for all those years and years of lies…deception…running away…I was a fugitive…the best of con-artists. I played dodge-mom for almost ten years of my life. Its time for her now. She is my door to heaven. It was not her fault…I was a good liar, as was he…and she just couldn’t see. It’s not her fault.
Sometimes we look to others to blame for our problems. But, quite frankly, sometimes things just happen. Either way everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason why my mother didn’t notice was because she was not supposed to. What am I going to do with my life now that I am stronger, and now that I can look back as an observer? Who needs to hear this story and who do I need to touch through the lessons it gave me?
I would not be surprised to find that on some level your mother knows. She was as powerless in her own way as you were, wanting to believe anything but the truth. She was also victimized by this man. He was very good at it. It is what he was taught.
ReplyDeleteAlso this: your mother saved you in the long run. It was her internalized voice that helped you see the truth.
Here is the hardest truth of all: you should reveal the truth about him to others who might become his victims or the parents of his potential victims. Men like him do not change without help. You should do it anonymously if you fear for your self.
Again, your comments have left me reflecting. You are right. My mother was victimized by him. I am sure she knew something was going on. How could she have not? May God make her stronger.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about the hardest truth that you mention. I always suspect he is doing the same with other young girls. This has left a huge burden on me. I hope I find an answer on how to deal with this soon. I think I want to share this blog, anonymously, with those girls I know that he knows. Perhaps instead of going to the parents, I can approach the girls directly.
I am concerned about the ways you might approach protecting girls and young women from the man who raped you. Your blog might help those girls, but I'm guessing that it will not. They need advocates in their lives, people who can be a physical presence as a counterbalance to the predator. I don't know if there are legal means to stop him, but if you are successful in helping the girls you believe are at risk, he will certainly attempt to coerce others, girls you don't know or know about. This is a very difficult situation. He should be stopped and the supply of girls is endless. He is a criminal. Sick, yes. A pitiful man, yes. A victim, yes. But still a criminal.
ReplyDeleteyes - this should not be repeated. i agree wholeheartedly. the person is a known member of the community and since our community is close i am not sure i want to reveal my identity. thank u for bringing my attention to this though - i do have to think of an action plan. also, i dont really qualify what i experienced as rape wrinkledman. i suppose by the stretch of the definition it might be characterized as that, but given that there was no intercourse per se, it cant be that i dont think. in fact, i think that calling what i experienced rape is insulting to those who have actually experienced rape...i think id call my experience a subtle form of sexual coercion...im coming to terms with whether i think i could qualify it as abuse.
ReplyDeleteI understand. There are degrees of everything and the thing at one end of the spectrum is not the same as the thing at the other. Fair enough. Still, they do share many characteristics.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, he took privilege from the age difference and your youth, that qualifies as abuse.
ReplyDelete