Its Ramadan again...almost a year since I began this journey of reflection and remembering...of self-discovery and strength building. Alhamdulillah.
Yesterday I was at the mosque praying taraweh - a prayer that Muslims usually pray at night during the month of Ramadan. The last prayer is called withr and the imam often makes emotional and long dua (supplications) to God. Yesterday, the imam made a dua that I hadn't heard before. He asked God to 'forgive the man that needs forgiveness'.
When I heard that, the first thing I thought of was him. I saw his face with those puppy eyes I have mentioned before. I made a prayer that God forgives him. I never thought I would go from complete hate and disgust, to now praying that God forgives his soul for everything that elapsed...and this time I know I am sincere in my asking for his forgiveness.
We are all humans, frail and weak. And we all make mistakes. And yes we make horrible and bad mistakes. But if God can forgive, who are we not to? Who are we to have hearts that are hardened and heavy? Even if I forgive him, I know he still must answer to God for all that happened. But to be honest...for me it means I am letting go of the baggage and blemish he marked in my heart. I'm a free bird ready to soar great heights and not be weighed down by the burden of hating another person. I'll let Allah deal with his deeds...
I remember just a few months ago I had asked a spiritual leader about forgiving a person who has wronged you - and he said when you travel on the path of purification of your heart (tazkiya) you will surely reach a state where your anger to others turns into mercy. I pray that God accepts my heart, and that He answers my prayer. I pray for my own forgiveness too.
I'm ready to love...and now I can love with no other man in my heart. Even if his presence in it was one of resentment, it would have still inhibited me from loving purely and truly.
Thank you for helping me with my journey. Certainly the most important and transformative year of my life. God is Greater than all.
I feel the truth in this, you are a lovely kindred spirit.
ReplyDeleteI would like you to read this: http://wrinkledman.blogspot.com/2011/08/good-man.html
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing. i had read that post last time i visited. your writing captivates. the stories we all have inside...the good we all hope to be.
ReplyDeleteyou are a good man. thank you for being here.
neighborhood muslimah
Thank you for continuing to share, for being so brave. I wish you all the best on your journey forward.
ReplyDeleteHaving you here means so much to me. You have certainly been integral in this journey. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you've reached your comfort zone and filled with serenity where you are no longer shackled with hatred and remorse. Knowing that it's all part of god's plan and everything happens for a reason, embracing and accepting it will levitate you to calmer state of mind. Everything happens for a reason AND for a GOOD reason all the time. Sometimes we fail to notice it and get swamped with pains and frustration but the absence of our better understanding doesn't mean that each incident is meant to serve greater purpose that will be unfurled later on.
ReplyDeleteIt's time for you to truly live and let go of agonizing past with a smile knowing that you've gone through it for greater things to come.