At around 6 yrs old I was riding my bike in my neighbourhood and I saw a car driving towards me (we didn't have sidewalks). I got nervous and feel off my bike. The person probably came out to help me…I don’t remember – but the next thing I remember is being in my bedroom lying in my bed. Soon after some of the neighbours had come to see me – I suppose to see if I was okay…the news must have spread.
I was surprised that they had come. While I felt perfectly fine (the car didn’t hit me I had just fallen), I thought "Oh my goodness maybe I have to legitimize their visit here by being a bit ‘sick’ so they feel their trip wasn’t wasted"...their trip to come see me that is.
All I remember is having that thought process in my head. I don’t remember whether I actually acted sick or was just me (although I probably did the former).
It is probably the first experience I remember of having defined myself by the expectations I felt people had of me.
Today I read an essay by my young 15 or 16 year old neighbor in which he describes acting "sad" because people were expecting him to mourn. He was sad, but not precisely when he "should" have been. You were precocious to recognize that behaviour so young. Do you suppose that your sensitivity to expectations is partly what made you a target?
ReplyDelete