c.o.u.n.s.e.l.i.n.g.

Yes. I went.

Counseling is offered through the university and I decided to set up an appointment. It was this morning. Today was just a consultation. I don't really know what kind of help counseling offers but many people on this blog, as well as the three people I told about this experience (my two friends and my cousin), have mentioned that I should go. And after this week I figured it was time for me to go.

I've had a rough week. I feel perfectly fine now - in fact I feel more positive than I have been in a while. But this week I had a major sand storm while on the phone with my parents. My father was asking me to try to finish my thesis within the year, and although that is pretty much very impossible (since I just started research!) he was adamant that I can do it. While on the phone I started throwing things - a couple of chairs, and fell to the ground. He didn't know what I was going through as I kept my voice composed...but I was very angry. When I hung up I was pretty violent - yelled and swore, threw a few more things and slammed a cabinet door really heard three times. I tried to tell myself to calm down but I couldn't. My heart was racing at 100 miles/hour. I think the entire episode must have been maybe a minute long, after which I was normal. Much of the time I was going through it I was saying to myself - 'why are you trying to control me now? why didn't you control me when you should have?'

After it I got really scared. I do not want my kids to ever witness this if I become a mother one day. I knew something needed to be done. I did some sparring at the karate club that night and I did horrible. When I came home all I did was sit on the couch for two hours doing nothing. My failure was a failure vis a vis my experience, as if he won. I was feeling very heavy and the following day I cried so much in my office as I prayed. Its been a while since I cried - I've had trouble crying for the past couple of months (before crying was a natural thing for me). That night I slept at 7pm.

Then on Saturday I went to the karate club for some more sparring. I was holding back tears by the end. When everyone left, I just sat there crying hysterically - really just released all my pent up emotions. It was important. I was glad that I had decided to make the appointment to meet the counselor the day before.

Things are fine in general but I have episodes of random emotions and deep deep sadness. The sadness usually has something to do with my parents.

The counselor today told me that when it comes to incidents of childhood sexual abuse usually they recommend long term counseling but with my blog, my 'own intelligence', and karate (the counselor's words) she feels I've made a lot of progress on my own and will put the recommendation for short term counseling for me (5-10 sessions). I'm still not sure how this will all help, but I'm looking forward to it.