Instead of talking without a direction, I think I should set a few goals for myself regarding what I want to achieve from these counseling sessions. This is my list as of now:
1) fix my heart when it comes to my parents, especially my mom.
- I do not have patience when I feel my parents are trying to control me, and I often feel my relationship with my mom is one where I am trying to uphold my obligation as a daughter rather than to love her for the sake of loving her. It was her birthday this past week. I arranged for a gift to be delivered to her - but when she finally got it and I spoke to her on the phone I was very sad. I didn't feel love in my heart for her or share the happiness that she presumably felt once she received the gift. I want to love my mom the way I love people I hold dear to me.
2) dont let this experience consume my entire being.
- When I feel I fail at something, I feel as if I have somehow allowed him to 'win yet again'...every failure is a testament to his affect on my life. Alternatively, when I feel good about something, I also think of how it relates to the experience. The other day I felt I had a really productive time at school. It clicked near the end of the day that the song that I had on repeat in my earphones was Rihanna's Unfaithful. I've written about that song before...when I was listening to it on repeat the other day it gave me sense of power - as if I was cheating on him, but felt good about it because it was something I was able to metaphorically do - I could be his 'murderer'. While I enjoyed my progress on my work, all I wanted to say is 'in your face'
3)control my bursts of anger.
- I want them to go away. I don't like having them. I don't like the feeling of weakness that I get after I am done with them.
4) allow myself to have a normal relationship one day.
- I freaked out when the guy I was considering for marriage last year tried to touch me. I don't want to be haunted by flashbacks when I am intimate with my husband after I marry, God-willing.
5) stop questioning why I haven't heard from him or why he has just been able to move on.
- Who cares? Forget him. Don't allow him to make you feel so sad.
So...that's my list for now...I may add more as necessary.
What do you think of my list? Anything else I need to work on?
I would never presume to tell you what to work on.You know these things in your memory.
ReplyDeleteA lot of what you describe sounds symptomatic, some of which can be "cured" through deeper understanding of the trauma you have been put through. Yours is truly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have a close relative who benefited a lot and quickly from EMDR, a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The method, as I understand it, reveals to you how and why you acted like you did during and after these traumatic events. That self knowledge and understanding allows you to forgive the way you have acted. You acted in a way to protect yourself. You embraced your captor. A smart and rational move, now hindering your growth and better off discarded. It is talk therapy. You discuss yourself with another person who can be objective about your observations and memory, how trauma was inflicted on you and what you did then and are doing now in reaction to that abuse.
Is that the kind of counseling you are getting?