A Reflecting Arab Muslim Girl From Around the Corner

Friday, November 25, 2011

i hurt my friend

when i started to go to counseling i decided that i wouldn't tell anyone. my friend Heavens had convinced me that i needed to go after the last sandstorm i had, but when i made the calls and attended the initial assessment session, i didn't tell her about it. she had mentioned to me that in her own journey of healing, she would make sure that she kept certain things to herself, and that that gave her a sense of strength stronger than any other sense of strength - that to be able to do something on her own, by herself, meant she was healing through it.

silence has never been my way with her - i love to share with her many things. but this time i said no - i'll keep it to myself. many times since that conversation she mentioned that i should consider counseling and each time i would say okay but not tell her.

this week i was supposed to have my first karate competitive fight. i have been anticipating this for months and have been training hard. yesterday i found out that it was canceled. i was bummed out. and who did i go to, to vent - i went to Heavens. for three hours i typed none stop on my smart phone about many things - the fact that i was hurt she wasn't going to make it to the fight (she had planned to but then couldn't).....the fact that she never read my blog (although i had the expectation that she would and although i understand it was very hard for her to do so).....I told her i felt alone and that life has taught me that for somethings u have to experience things on your own no matter what.

i also told her i am seeking counseling.

she wrote to me today and said that when i told her that she cried a lot. it made her feel used because she has been trying so hard to make me feel better and here I was seeking counseling trying to make myself feel better while she didn’t know I was getting this external help. in her own words, I made her feel like she had been 'slapped' when i told her i felt alone because she has been trying so hard to be there for me (despite the many real struggles she has been facing in her own life), and yet I felt so alone. she feels she gives so much and now she feels I don’t get it....that I don't see it or feel it.

Heavens has been stretched thin and I have been stretching her further. and here I was getting this additional help and never told her. and its help she has encouraged me to seek because she felt she couldn't give me what i needed although she tried - and its help she herself has been wanting to seek but can't afford.

how needy am i and how bad of a friend am i to impose myself in this way on Heavens despite her being there for me so much?

if i could tell her something it would be that i just started counseling and the reason why i didn't tell her was because i was trying to experience some of this strength that she gains from silent actions. i would also tell her that despite the fact that i believe the few sessions have been beneficial, it doesn't replace her role in my life and my need for her. i would tell her i realize that i have imposed myself on her and i am sorry - that i love with a particular standard of love which i have made her feel that i expect and its not right of me. i would tell her that u have been a great source of strength to me and i hate myself right now for causing u pain and contributing to the physical sickness she has been experiencing because of everything that has happened to her and the many people that rely on her.

but i would also say that she cant be upset at me for not telling her. whether i told her or not i still need her in the same way. what may need to change is why i have grown to need her the way i do. its not fair for me to expect so much from her.

why do i expect it? and why do i expect it only from Heavens?

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