A Reflecting Arab Muslim Girl From Around the Corner

Friday, November 25, 2011

the way i love

when i was 'with' him i convinced myself i loved him. and that meant that as a lover i would take all the pain he was causing me. i would experience his pain with him and find solutions for him, just as i would try to fix my own problems. i swallowed whatever it is he brought my way in the name of love. i tried to find innovative ways of how i could give off myself to make him feel better. i buried my pain because i thought when you love, you do so unconditionally and you take whatever it is that comes forth.

i created this standard of love.

the next person i grew close to was my friend which i have mentioned before - the one i told first about my experience. i was hurt a lot when i realized that she couldn't love me in the same way - to feel my pain in the same way i thought 'loving' meant one had to - the way i experienced his pain. i have learned so much from her because she bluntly gives me wake up calls and brings me back down to earth.

and then with Heavens, i have grown so attached. and because she has expressed that she loves me, i have placed the same expectations on her subconsciously. despite how much she has given me, i expected more and more. i want to change this about me. like she said, just because for me i can stretch myself and try to place myself in another person's shoes to experience their pain - and that i love to do that in the name of love - not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to do that.

ur such an ass. that's all i want to say to myself right now.

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