I'm considering a man for marriage. I met him only a month ago on a matrimonial website....so he is serious about marriage as am I. He is very nice. His eyes are kind and he has a very likeable personality. Our interests align and he seems to honor what is important to me. He hasn't said anything wrong...and his actions - be it his conduct with other people, actions at work, his community service and his personal development - reflect good character. He seems perfect. But. Is he too good to be true?
We met on a Muslim matrimonial site, hopefully an honest reflection of the importance of the faith to us both. But the thing that worries me is how much he says. He talks a lot in general...I've had conversations with him where he can go on and on and on for a while, and I'll just listen. I enjoy what he says and although I may get bored (sometimes), it's not like I'm averse to this. But, at the same time, I feel he says too much.
Yesterday he told me on two occasions that he cried while reading on Islamic history and reflecting on the state of the Muslim world today with it's shiite and sunni divisions. When we skyped, I could see from his eyes that he was crying. He told me a story once of how he used to volunteer teaching kids at a local mosque. He missed two weeks of teaching for various reasons...when he went in on the third week, he stopped at the door while he saw the new teacher with the children. 'The children looked happy,' he told me, 'and so was the teacher...so I just left and thought to myself, God has replaced me. No one knew I had come in'. He shared how he went home crying at this realization, and how he spent a few days saddened by this. He eventually was giving Friday sermons at the mosque...he explained to me how he believes he was replaced, but that now his reach was broader. He tells me how he goes to pray at the mosque at dawn everyday - those days that he misses the prayer in the mosque, he expresses to me how sad he is and how his day doesn't feel the same.
Worship...in many ways...should be private in my opinion. Between you and your Lord. So, sometimes I get uncomfortable with what he shares. Although I like what he shares in principal, doesn't sincerity of action come from it being kept a secret (if not all the time, most of the time)?
Yesterday I got worried when he told me how at university he would be able to get away with many things that other student's wouldn't, simply because of what he would say to his professors. 'It's like magic' - he told me his fellow classmates would say. He recounted how on one occasion he was over a half hour late for class. The professor wouldn't let students in when they come in this late. He wanted in, so he entered the classroom and when the professor asked what he wanted, he said 'to congratulate you on your marriage' (because he had known the professor was recently married). Having lightened the mood, he asked the prof if he could enter the class and the professor said 'yes yes, go in'.
'It's like magic'.
Magic. This man in my past was very very slick with his words. Extremely. And he lured many people into what he wanted through his personality and his words. He is likeable.. Many many people like him. Love him. His words are like magic. When I think of his mouth I liken it to that of a snake charmer.
Must I trust this new man I have met? Or am I being smart when I wonder about the truthfulness in his words? How do I find out if he is just trying to please me - perhaps lure me - into this marriage? And, how do I learn to not worry and believe him, if that is what I should do? Am I projecting the fears from my past unfairly on this new man in my life?
We met on a Muslim matrimonial site, hopefully an honest reflection of the importance of the faith to us both. But the thing that worries me is how much he says. He talks a lot in general...I've had conversations with him where he can go on and on and on for a while, and I'll just listen. I enjoy what he says and although I may get bored (sometimes), it's not like I'm averse to this. But, at the same time, I feel he says too much.
Yesterday he told me on two occasions that he cried while reading on Islamic history and reflecting on the state of the Muslim world today with it's shiite and sunni divisions. When we skyped, I could see from his eyes that he was crying. He told me a story once of how he used to volunteer teaching kids at a local mosque. He missed two weeks of teaching for various reasons...when he went in on the third week, he stopped at the door while he saw the new teacher with the children. 'The children looked happy,' he told me, 'and so was the teacher...so I just left and thought to myself, God has replaced me. No one knew I had come in'. He shared how he went home crying at this realization, and how he spent a few days saddened by this. He eventually was giving Friday sermons at the mosque...he explained to me how he believes he was replaced, but that now his reach was broader. He tells me how he goes to pray at the mosque at dawn everyday - those days that he misses the prayer in the mosque, he expresses to me how sad he is and how his day doesn't feel the same.
Worship...in many ways...should be private in my opinion. Between you and your Lord. So, sometimes I get uncomfortable with what he shares. Although I like what he shares in principal, doesn't sincerity of action come from it being kept a secret (if not all the time, most of the time)?
Yesterday I got worried when he told me how at university he would be able to get away with many things that other student's wouldn't, simply because of what he would say to his professors. 'It's like magic' - he told me his fellow classmates would say. He recounted how on one occasion he was over a half hour late for class. The professor wouldn't let students in when they come in this late. He wanted in, so he entered the classroom and when the professor asked what he wanted, he said 'to congratulate you on your marriage' (because he had known the professor was recently married). Having lightened the mood, he asked the prof if he could enter the class and the professor said 'yes yes, go in'.
'It's like magic'.
Magic. This man in my past was very very slick with his words. Extremely. And he lured many people into what he wanted through his personality and his words. He is likeable.. Many many people like him. Love him. His words are like magic. When I think of his mouth I liken it to that of a snake charmer.
Must I trust this new man I have met? Or am I being smart when I wonder about the truthfulness in his words? How do I find out if he is just trying to please me - perhaps lure me - into this marriage? And, how do I learn to not worry and believe him, if that is what I should do? Am I projecting the fears from my past unfairly on this new man in my life?
Your fears are entirely reasonable. Trust your instinct. Now.
ReplyDeleteI trusted them...after I got some help.
ReplyDeleteAnd I ended it.
NM
You are a love. Keep yourself well.
Delete