his words.

"it is Allah's will i know. my hurting heart will never show the eerie sadness that will loom it. my prayers will be from now on that inshallah with Allah's will, somewhere sometime our paths cross. One thing i promise u my sweetheart i will always try to wear a smile on my face. will truly miss ur shining face. it will be the hardest test of my life. maybe a blessing in disguise, allah's test on me. pray for me always. its ur time now to pray".

These were his last words to me on an sms message after I had decided to end the relationship and moved overseas. At that time, I truly believed that he was a forsaken love and that our love was our blessing - because it was so special - but also our curse - because we could not be. Now I realize it was just wrong. All wrong. Overtime I grew blinded and brainwashed...and it is now that Allah has truly opened my heart and put the whole entire relationship into perspective. Alhamdulillah for this.

But, lets look at his words to me. It's 'the hardest test of [his] life'...'Allah's test on [him]'. This is what he sees my absence from his life as - or at least that is what he saw it then. Maybe he was not well? I do not understand...maybe he was just as blinded as I was in post high school phase? Did he really see nothing wrong with the relationship? Does he see anything wrong with it now?

I wonder if one day, if ever the circumstances permit, how he would reply if I ask him 'Why?...why?...why especially when I was so young?' I was honestly robbed off my childhood. I grew up very fast...unnecessarily. And, it was unnecessary because I grew up in adult ways when I should have been growing up in progression instead.

I remember once, a couple of years into the relationship while I was still in high school, that I had made another one of my attempts to leave him. I must have written him a letter. The next time I saw him, his hand was wrapped. He told me that he had taken a knife and cut his hand - I believe his left. The cut was on his palm, from the corner where the thumb meets the index, to his wrist - diagonally. He told me that he was mad at himself for feeling this way about me but he can't help it. His sorry eyes melted my heart...his cut palm made me believe he was helpless. And so, I remained in the relationship. Again.

I do not understand. Did he or did he not see anything wrong with our relationship? Does he think it was wrong now?