Perspective

When I think of how I approach everything in life...whether it is my studies, my faith, my growth, my passions, my hobbies...for me, it is all about proving something to myself. I envision a brick wall that I am breaking with a chisel with my own hand. Everything for me is about proving to myself that I can do it by labouring at it...even traveling or my new found karate passion is about me facing a brick wall that I must break. I view my life as a set of internal challenges that I must overcome for myself. It is about proving to myself that I am strong enough. I have adopted this perspective because of him. For so many years of my life I was fighting an internal battle with myself. Everything was about me fighting myself. And till today, I approach life thinking of one battle after the next. I hope that this perspective will change...I think it may very well be changing already. Life shouldn't be about fighting all the time...everything that is meant to be will be. I wish sometimes I could just sit back and watch life just unfold. Perhaps one day I will reach this stage.

Having said that, I want to put things into perspective. I suppose there are two ways that people go through hardship in their life. For some, it encapsulates them and defines their entire existence. For others, it is part of their life...a major one...but in reflection it is recognized that it just one portion of their life. I fall into this latter category.

By Allah, I have had mountains and mountains of blessings in my life and I recognize them. I have had an amazing life Alhamdulillah...I have a supportive family and I feel I have been able to accomplish a lot. Allah has opened doors of opportunity and ease for me that a lifetime of prostration is inadequate to give Him thanks for what I have been granted. Beautiful people have entered into my life, and I am ever grateful for this.

This relationship did define things for me...but it defined things for me on the inside. Inside I was angry, guilty, and hurting. Inside I hated myself and could not supplicate for myself because I felt dirty and unworthy. But outside, and truly, I was not in a state of depression. On the contrary, and I have mentioned this before, I have been, and am, a very happy person Alhamdulillah. There was just this huge secret I was hiding and my struggles were purely internal...a battle with myself. Other than that, my life outside was a perfect life Alhamdulillah...this relationship did not inhibit me from developing a zest for living and having multitudes of moments of genuine happiness. My life was and is amazing. My battle, the battle that I share with you, was my own struggle in my heart.

When I recount these stories, it helps ease the suffering I experienced inside. But this relationship did not inhibit me for loving life and living in comfort. I am grateful that this was the extent of my trial...it is by God's grace that it did not infiltrate into my external affairs. I know for some, their experiences do take over all aspects of their life. May God grant them strength...I do not know how I would have handled things if it was like that for me.

I think it is important that I make this distinction apparent...I do not want to seem ungrateful for the life I have had. It is important for me to make sure I keep things in perspective. Have I been able to articulate this distinction? Am I making sense?