Murderer

"I don't want to be...a murderer"

I used to sing that line with so much passion when Rihanna came out with Unfaithful...I was obsessed with the song. I would watch the video and especially the last scene where she gives her boyfriend a hug and looks at the camera with those eyes - showing her guilt...I used to feel like that. I would go to my friends and sing "I ammmm a murdererrrr" and no one knew what I was talking about. They knew the song - that she is saying she is a murderer because she is playing her boyfriend and he loves her terribly...but they didn't know why I was saying the same thing.

These past few weeks I'm going through so many realizations. I had another night of sleeplessness last night. I have never had insomnia like I did yesterday. And the crux of the issue is about my role in the relationship.

You see, even in those moments as a young girl when I knew the relationship should stop, I wouldn't be able to pull myself out completely because I always felt guilty. 'He loves me', I would think to myself...'he does so much...how can I just leave him? Betray him'. I felt responsible. So, as I grew up and was in university, the same feeling of guilt was what kept me holding on even when I wanted to let go.

But, I knew that one day I'd have to let go. I knew that I wanted a family. I didn't want to have to anger my parents. I didn't want to run away. I knew that one day my heart would change...that I would fall out of whatever I was in. I knew that one day I would get tired of the feeling of displeasing God. That feeling in itself made me feel like a murderer. I envisioned that when I did move away, when I finally decided to let go, that he would become a zombie. He would have no joy in his life. I would have murdered him while he was still alive. And, I only said this because that is what he would repeat to me over and over. He made me feel like I was his lifeline. Without me, he would be dead.

But now that I look back - whether it was intentional on his part or not - I find it ironic. Here, a man that was taking advantage of me had actually managed to make me feel like the predator and him the victim. And so I would sing...'I don't want to be a murdererrrr'...while not knowing that he was holding the weapon, not I. And although I would sing that song, I never played him. For almost ten years of my life...there was no man but him. I didn't even have real crushes. But still, I felt I was killing him just by thinking that one day I'd leave him.

I realize now that much of why this relationship dragged on for so long was because of the concept of loving oneself. I think at that time I didn't love myself...rather, I loved him for loving me...I 'needed' him for that love. Do I love myself now? I think so...I think I'm finally trying to sit in the drivers' seat of my own life.

If the victim feels like the enemy, does it mean that they do not love themselves? Is this what causes them to put another's needs before their own?