tell me you love me.

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction, can't say I agree, cause my chemicals have left me a beautiful disaster*

I just came from watching the movie Eat Pray Love. I liked it - it was interesting, honest, and full of constant reminders...there was a point where I wished I could just pause the movie to write down some of the lines.

One scene made me kick the chair in front of me though.

Near the end of the movie, Julia Roberts' boyfriend confesses his love for her, and then asks her whether she loves him. He raises his voice and gets upset when she doesn't say anything. He wants to hear those words from her. Regardless of whether or not she did love him at that point - or that moment - what he did by raising his voice, and looking at her with hurting eyes, was put pressure on her. She walks away without saying anything.

One day, he had called me. I was in the kitchen. We had not talked for a few days at that point - he was upset...I was being a bit distant with my text messages. I would be tardy with my replies, and perhaps emotionless when I did write. I must have been questioning the relationship again at that time. Regardless, on the phone, he told me he loved me. He was exceptionally emotional that day. In the midst of his complaints, he asked me..."do you love me?" I did not reply. "Tell me you love me, tell me you love me. I love you". I felt warm tears roll down my face.

At that point I didn't love him - at that moment at least. I resented him. But there, on the other side of the phone was a grown man that just confessed his love for me, and was crying, frustrated and upset that I wasn't telling him I love him back. I could feel a knot in my throat. All I wanted to do was just hang up the phone. I didn't want to have to answer. But alas...my questioning self got thinking.

'If I do not answer, he will be upset. If I do not answer, everything might change. If I do not answer, he might stop loving me. If do not answer, I might end up alone'.

"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME". I swallowed my honesty, my pride, and my youth at that moment. I wiped the tears from my face as if he could see them. I cleared my throat. "Of course I love you". I buried my nails into my hands and clenched my teeth. Those three words have never felt as heavy as they did during that phone call. I remember it all too vividly.

He calmed down. And then we ended the conversation. I had confessed my love...now he was under the impression that I'll go back to normal. I would no longer be distant. And since I had told him I loved him, I made a mental note that I had to make more of an effort. 'You love him...just do what people who are in love are supposed to do'.

Women are often made to feel pressure. I hate that feeling with a passion. I vowed to myself that I would never EVER tell a man that I loved him just because he expected to hear it. I promised myself that I would not tell a man that I love him just because he demands that the feeling is 'mutual'. I promised myself that I would only tell a man that I love him if I truly feel like I love him. I will only say those three words when I am ready.

Its not right. Men should not manipulate our hearts...our hearts, by nature, are soft. When they force emotional responses, they are simply taking advantage. Why do we give in? Why is it so hard to just walk away?

Still love is all I see*


*Lyrics by Anna Nalick - Catalyst

Forever Confused

I was in a relationship with a man that I liked, then I grew to hate, then I convinced myself that I loved, then I briefly cut out of my life, realized I couldn’t so went back, then I resented, and now I don’t want to cut him off completely. I question whether what I went through was abuse, but at the same time I want his presence alive in my life. There is no linearity in my emotions whatsoever. On a regular day, I can hate the one I think I loved while at the same time question his love for me but still know deep down inside that he is a good person. More criss-crosses than a spider web.

As I consider the current man in my life for marriage, I am plagued by the same confusion. I have no stability in my emotions towards him. And I beat myself up for the sporadic feelings always. So why am I like this?

Looking at things from this perspective, perhaps the reason why I am so confused about my potential fiancé is because I do not trust my feelings. I realize that my emotions are easily molded, that I’m generally a woman whose emotions are dependent on a man, and that while my emotions fluctuate, they always lean on the side of giving the male the benefit of the doubt. I am veiled from truly being able to assess what is best for me. Am I doomed to being forever confused?

Cycle

Months - or perhaps even a year or two - after we began the relationship, he told me about how when he was younger, he was approached by two older women. One was a relative whom he had a long term relationship with, the other was with an experienced older woman who taught him things he hadn’t known. As he recounted this, I saw a pattern – he went through it, now he is doing the same to me. We learned in school that children who have had abusive parents are more likely to grow to become abusive parents themselves; that children with obese parents often become obese; that children with alcoholic parents are prone to also growing to be alcoholics. I immediately recognized that the same must be true for him – that he entered into the relationship with me because he went through things as a child. Instead of serving as a light-bulb to let me run – realizing that this was simply a pattern and not ‘divine’ love – I felt sorry for him. The sadness that I felt for myself, I immediately transferred to him…’its not his fault’ I would think to myself…he was a victim. 'Miskeen…he still has the affects'.

I battled in my head with this idea for a bit. I wondered if I would be able to ‘lure’ a boy decades younger than me the way I was being lured - the way he was once lured. The thought didn’t sit well for me at all. And somehow, I just stopped thinking about things as a cycle.

Years into the relationship he told me that another older lady was in love with him - obsessively in fact - and that he had to go through regular measures to put her in her place and fight away her seductive attempts. I never put all these links together – but now that I think about it, he does seem to have had some pretty random experiences and love affairs. Even if he was a victim as a child, as a grown adult he has no right to replicate what he experienced…especially given the fact that he knows how it feels to be so young and so confused…so lost as to where to turn. And, the fact that another older lady was attracted to him as well – while we were together – something must not be right with him. May Allah bless him and forgive us all for our mistakes and wrong judgments. Do things working in a cycle make him less wrong?

Cut the Cord

I am unable to cut the cord. Just yesterday I sent him an Eid Mubarak message. We are no longer in touch save the random message he sends once every few months. I usually reply. But even if my reply may come out very cold as compared to his, I am never rude. And, I always put some form of affection in the message - whether it is calling him by the nickname I gave him when we were together or sending an internet heart. Yesterday I wrote ‘i love u’.

Do I really love him? Well, I love the parts of him that made me grow and the good that he did bring into my life; the fact that he shaped me for who I am. Having him in my life for so long also meant that there was no room for anyone else –I truly believe that our relationship protected me from worse. But, when I remember the past sometimes, my blood pressure rises in anger, in self-loathing and in empathy. I never let him see that side however. If he was to read this blog ever I think he would faint because I am sure he never would imagine that I would be evaluating the relationship the way that I am. For some reason, I do not want him to know that I get upset when I remember.

But why? What good does keeping that cord strong do for me? Nothing. But, I cannot seem to stop myself. I was so dependent on him for so long...perhaps I fear what it would mean for me if I cut him off completely. Will I be strong? Will I ever have anyone else? I would hate for things to go back as they were, but at the same time, I get comfort when I hear that he makes dua for me everyday, that he still believes in me, and that he continues to love me.

I cringe as I write this. It’s disgusting when I think of how I still want his presence despite the way things unraveled…despite the fact that I wonder if he is doing the same thing today with some other younger girl. It makes me feel dirty. Why can’t I cut the cord? And, why don’t I want to cut the cord?

Unworthy

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t feel as guilty as perhaps I should feel when it comes to all the physical that went on in the relationship. Of course I ask for forgiveness, but is it the type of forgiveness that people ask for with conviction? To be honest, I don’t feel that I ask for forgiveness sincerely. Not only for my relationship with him, but for anything wrong. The words come out and I ask for my neck to be saved from the hell fire, but is the forgiveness that I seek one that suffocates me – a yearning for forgiveness that makes me uncomfortable in my own skin – one that makes me tremble in fear? No. It’s a sad reality. I wish I would tear when I make tawba…but I don’t (usually). Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I was so young when we started…and that from such a young age I was conditioned to swallow the guilt of all wrong that I do and to somehow put the bulk of the blame elsewhere. When I speak to friends and they have physical encounters – a hug or a kiss…or more – they are overwhelmed with guilt…some stop praying because they are so embarrassed to face God as a result of how bad they feel. Most of them have had their first encounter after turning 25. Why am I so different?

How can Allah wash away my sins when it’s hard for me to acknowledge them as sins? On the one hand I blame him more because he was older and was able to ‘manipulate’ me...somehow making myself a victim. On the other hand, I always make excuses for myself and believe that Allah understands my heart even more than myself…that even when I do wrong, God knows that I do not mean to. Is that an excuse? Is that acceptable behaviour?

Ever since we happened, any relationship with a man that I have had after him (I have had one) doesn’t feel as wrong as it should. Sadly. I just go into shut-off mode where I go through the motions without any emotion. It’s as if I’m no longer my strong me – I become the vulnerable me. The dependent me. The one that needs a man to stop me from going astray me. Convoluted thinking. How then can I turn back the hands of time in order to reach a stage where I recognize wrongs as wrongs?

Although I have never stopped praying…for the longest time I was unable to make dua for myself. I would ask God to protect and make better the lives of others…to bring them closer to Him….to forgive their sins…I would cry in my prayers doing that…but, I never remembered me. It was not because I considered myself infallible. It was because over the years, and through my guilt, I had became a black box in my dua. Non-existent. Not worthy. I believed there were far more deserving people out there...what good was I anyway?

Therapeutic

Writing these posts has certainly been therapeutic.  I'm hoping that some kind of dialogue emerges, but I have not done enough yet to spread my blog around.  I haven't had much time. 

Its not easy to write these posts, and I can't imagine them to be any easier to read. But, sometimes just knowing someone else knows lifts the burden. And, by Allah, I launched this blog in Ramadan after a late night epiphany.  I thought to myself that perhaps my experience was my test. I want to make sure that when I'm asked about what I did about it, I can say that I tried to speak to girls somehow: those who have not experienced something like this but can now keep a watchful eye; those who have gone through the same thing and have never had an opportunity to talk about it; and, those that  may be going through something similar as they read this and don't yet quite know the extent of disbelief that will hit them when they reflect back years, even decades, later. I often feel a knot in my throat when I see young teenage girls. I want to go to them and ask them if they have experienced anything like this. I want to tell them to read the signs and to stop themselves before its too late.  Its like a hurricane..the longer you allow it to go on, the more you become engulfed. I just want them to know that they have a choice.

Shoveling at these memories and revealing them are not easy...especially when I remember how young I was and when I begin to recall the amount of pressure I was under.  After experiencing this for so many years I had eventually learned to mask all my pain...I became numb internally. Ironically, however, I am the most positive person that most people have met (from what they tell me).  I realize now that especially in the beginning, my positivity and happiness was my coping mechanism.  And, I did in fact convince myself at one point of the relationship that this was a divine relationship...a God send. He kept on telling me how the love he has for me can be from no one but Allah.  Believing that was the only way to prevent me from dying from guilt.