A Reflecting Arab Muslim Girl From Around the Corner

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Cut the Cord

I am unable to cut the cord. Just yesterday I sent him an Eid Mubarak message. We are no longer in touch save the random message he sends once every few months. I usually reply. But even if my reply may come out very cold as compared to his, I am never rude. And, I always put some form of affection in the message - whether it is calling him by the nickname I gave him when we were together or sending an internet heart. Yesterday I wrote ‘i love u’.

Do I really love him? Well, I love the parts of him that made me grow and the good that he did bring into my life; the fact that he shaped me for who I am. Having him in my life for so long also meant that there was no room for anyone else –I truly believe that our relationship protected me from worse. But, when I remember the past sometimes, my blood pressure rises in anger, in self-loathing and in empathy. I never let him see that side however. If he was to read this blog ever I think he would faint because I am sure he never would imagine that I would be evaluating the relationship the way that I am. For some reason, I do not want him to know that I get upset when I remember.

But why? What good does keeping that cord strong do for me? Nothing. But, I cannot seem to stop myself. I was so dependent on him for so long...perhaps I fear what it would mean for me if I cut him off completely. Will I be strong? Will I ever have anyone else? I would hate for things to go back as they were, but at the same time, I get comfort when I hear that he makes dua for me everyday, that he still believes in me, and that he continues to love me.

I cringe as I write this. It’s disgusting when I think of how I still want his presence despite the way things unraveled…despite the fact that I wonder if he is doing the same thing today with some other younger girl. It makes me feel dirty. Why can’t I cut the cord? And, why don’t I want to cut the cord?


  1. This is an update. I cut him out. I would never tell him those words again. He is out of my life...Inshallah forever.

  2. Inshallah. I'm happy you were able to do that. Sometimes that's the only way to move on. You don't need his approval or his "love".