Unworthy

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t feel as guilty as perhaps I should feel when it comes to all the physical that went on in the relationship. Of course I ask for forgiveness, but is it the type of forgiveness that people ask for with conviction? To be honest, I don’t feel that I ask for forgiveness sincerely. Not only for my relationship with him, but for anything wrong. The words come out and I ask for my neck to be saved from the hell fire, but is the forgiveness that I seek one that suffocates me – a yearning for forgiveness that makes me uncomfortable in my own skin – one that makes me tremble in fear? No. It’s a sad reality. I wish I would tear when I make tawba…but I don’t (usually). Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I was so young when we started…and that from such a young age I was conditioned to swallow the guilt of all wrong that I do and to somehow put the bulk of the blame elsewhere. When I speak to friends and they have physical encounters – a hug or a kiss…or more – they are overwhelmed with guilt…some stop praying because they are so embarrassed to face God as a result of how bad they feel. Most of them have had their first encounter after turning 25. Why am I so different?

How can Allah wash away my sins when it’s hard for me to acknowledge them as sins? On the one hand I blame him more because he was older and was able to ‘manipulate’ me...somehow making myself a victim. On the other hand, I always make excuses for myself and believe that Allah understands my heart even more than myself…that even when I do wrong, God knows that I do not mean to. Is that an excuse? Is that acceptable behaviour?

Ever since we happened, any relationship with a man that I have had after him (I have had one) doesn’t feel as wrong as it should. Sadly. I just go into shut-off mode where I go through the motions without any emotion. It’s as if I’m no longer my strong me – I become the vulnerable me. The dependent me. The one that needs a man to stop me from going astray me. Convoluted thinking. How then can I turn back the hands of time in order to reach a stage where I recognize wrongs as wrongs?

Although I have never stopped praying…for the longest time I was unable to make dua for myself. I would ask God to protect and make better the lives of others…to bring them closer to Him….to forgive their sins…I would cry in my prayers doing that…but, I never remembered me. It was not because I considered myself infallible. It was because over the years, and through my guilt, I had became a black box in my dua. Non-existent. Not worthy. I believed there were far more deserving people out there...what good was I anyway?