Therapeutic

Writing these posts has certainly been therapeutic.  I'm hoping that some kind of dialogue emerges, but I have not done enough yet to spread my blog around.  I haven't had much time. 

Its not easy to write these posts, and I can't imagine them to be any easier to read. But, sometimes just knowing someone else knows lifts the burden. And, by Allah, I launched this blog in Ramadan after a late night epiphany.  I thought to myself that perhaps my experience was my test. I want to make sure that when I'm asked about what I did about it, I can say that I tried to speak to girls somehow: those who have not experienced something like this but can now keep a watchful eye; those who have gone through the same thing and have never had an opportunity to talk about it; and, those that  may be going through something similar as they read this and don't yet quite know the extent of disbelief that will hit them when they reflect back years, even decades, later. I often feel a knot in my throat when I see young teenage girls. I want to go to them and ask them if they have experienced anything like this. I want to tell them to read the signs and to stop themselves before its too late.  Its like a hurricane..the longer you allow it to go on, the more you become engulfed. I just want them to know that they have a choice.

Shoveling at these memories and revealing them are not easy...especially when I remember how young I was and when I begin to recall the amount of pressure I was under.  After experiencing this for so many years I had eventually learned to mask all my pain...I became numb internally. Ironically, however, I am the most positive person that most people have met (from what they tell me).  I realize now that especially in the beginning, my positivity and happiness was my coping mechanism.  And, I did in fact convince myself at one point of the relationship that this was a divine relationship...a God send. He kept on telling me how the love he has for me can be from no one but Allah.  Believing that was the only way to prevent me from dying from guilt.