tell me you love me.

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction, can't say I agree, cause my chemicals have left me a beautiful disaster*

I just came from watching the movie Eat Pray Love. I liked it - it was interesting, honest, and full of constant reminders...there was a point where I wished I could just pause the movie to write down some of the lines.

One scene made me kick the chair in front of me though.

Near the end of the movie, Julia Roberts' boyfriend confesses his love for her, and then asks her whether she loves him. He raises his voice and gets upset when she doesn't say anything. He wants to hear those words from her. Regardless of whether or not she did love him at that point - or that moment - what he did by raising his voice, and looking at her with hurting eyes, was put pressure on her. She walks away without saying anything.

One day, he had called me. I was in the kitchen. We had not talked for a few days at that point - he was upset...I was being a bit distant with my text messages. I would be tardy with my replies, and perhaps emotionless when I did write. I must have been questioning the relationship again at that time. Regardless, on the phone, he told me he loved me. He was exceptionally emotional that day. In the midst of his complaints, he asked me..."do you love me?" I did not reply. "Tell me you love me, tell me you love me. I love you". I felt warm tears roll down my face.

At that point I didn't love him - at that moment at least. I resented him. But there, on the other side of the phone was a grown man that just confessed his love for me, and was crying, frustrated and upset that I wasn't telling him I love him back. I could feel a knot in my throat. All I wanted to do was just hang up the phone. I didn't want to have to answer. But alas...my questioning self got thinking.

'If I do not answer, he will be upset. If I do not answer, everything might change. If I do not answer, he might stop loving me. If do not answer, I might end up alone'.

"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME". I swallowed my honesty, my pride, and my youth at that moment. I wiped the tears from my face as if he could see them. I cleared my throat. "Of course I love you". I buried my nails into my hands and clenched my teeth. Those three words have never felt as heavy as they did during that phone call. I remember it all too vividly.

He calmed down. And then we ended the conversation. I had confessed my love...now he was under the impression that I'll go back to normal. I would no longer be distant. And since I had told him I loved him, I made a mental note that I had to make more of an effort. 'You love him...just do what people who are in love are supposed to do'.

Women are often made to feel pressure. I hate that feeling with a passion. I vowed to myself that I would never EVER tell a man that I loved him just because he expected to hear it. I promised myself that I would not tell a man that I love him just because he demands that the feeling is 'mutual'. I promised myself that I would only tell a man that I love him if I truly feel like I love him. I will only say those three words when I am ready.

Its not right. Men should not manipulate our hearts...our hearts, by nature, are soft. When they force emotional responses, they are simply taking advantage. Why do we give in? Why is it so hard to just walk away?

Still love is all I see*


*Lyrics by Anna Nalick - Catalyst