Cut the Cord

I am unable to cut the cord. Just yesterday I sent him an Eid Mubarak message. We are no longer in touch save the random message he sends once every few months. I usually reply. But even if my reply may come out very cold as compared to his, I am never rude. And, I always put some form of affection in the message - whether it is calling him by the nickname I gave him when we were together or sending an internet heart. Yesterday I wrote ‘i love u’.

Do I really love him? Well, I love the parts of him that made me grow and the good that he did bring into my life; the fact that he shaped me for who I am. Having him in my life for so long also meant that there was no room for anyone else –I truly believe that our relationship protected me from worse. But, when I remember the past sometimes, my blood pressure rises in anger, in self-loathing and in empathy. I never let him see that side however. If he was to read this blog ever I think he would faint because I am sure he never would imagine that I would be evaluating the relationship the way that I am. For some reason, I do not want him to know that I get upset when I remember.

But why? What good does keeping that cord strong do for me? Nothing. But, I cannot seem to stop myself. I was so dependent on him for so long...perhaps I fear what it would mean for me if I cut him off completely. Will I be strong? Will I ever have anyone else? I would hate for things to go back as they were, but at the same time, I get comfort when I hear that he makes dua for me everyday, that he still believes in me, and that he continues to love me.

I cringe as I write this. It’s disgusting when I think of how I still want his presence despite the way things unraveled…despite the fact that I wonder if he is doing the same thing today with some other younger girl. It makes me feel dirty. Why can’t I cut the cord? And, why don’t I want to cut the cord?